100 Hilarious Jokes, Because No One Is Too Old to Laugh!

army judge

army judge

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100 corny, but funny jokes/riddles!
  1. How do you stop a bull from charging?
    Cancel its credit card!
  2. What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
    A condescending con descending!
  3. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
    Because then it would be a foot!
  4. What is the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
    Attire!
  5. What do you call an angry carrot?
    A steamed veggie!
  6. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
    In case he got a hole-in-one!
  7. What did the horse say after it tripped?
    Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup!
  8. Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
    For drizzle!
  9. What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
    A father-in-law!
  10. What do you call a man that irons clothes?
    Iron Man!
  11. How did the barber win the race?
    He knew a shortcut!
  12. RIP, boiling water.
    You will be mist!
  13. What do you call a pile of cats?
    A meow-tain!
  14. What kind of music do planets like?
    Neptunes!
  15. How did the hipster burn his tongue?
    He drank his coffee before it was cool!
  16. What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?
    A receding hare line!
  17. Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
    Too many cheetahs!
  18. Where does the electric cord go shopping?
    The outlet mall, of course!
  19. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
    Because he was a little horse!
  20. What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
    "Give me my quarterback!"
  21. What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
    Reality!
  22. Why can't you trust the king of the jungle?
    Because he's always lion!
  23. Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
    All of the fans left!
  24. What kind of cheese isn't yours?
    Nacho cheese!
  25. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.
    Then it hit me!
  26. Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
    He was a little shellfish!
  27. Did you hear about the population of Ireland's capital?
    It's Dublin!
  28. What's a bear with no teeth called?
    A gummy bear!
  29. What kind of music do mummies listen to?
    Wrap music!
  30. How do you make a Venetian blind?
    Poke him in the eyes!
  31. What do you call it when Batman skips church?
    Christian Bales!
  32. What would bears be without bees?
    Ears!
  33. Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?
    He takes things personally!
  34. Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?
    Because he was always lost at C!
  35. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
    Because otherwise they'd be called a bagel!
  36. What do you call a sleeping bull?
    A bulldozer!
  37. What's brown and sticky?
    A stick!
  38. Why are elephants wrinkly?
    Have you ever tried to iron one?
  39. How do you make a Swiss roll?
    Push him down a hill!
  40. How do you impress a female baker?
    Bring her flours!
  41. What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
    Nothing. They fast!
  42. What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her?
    "Namaste!"
  43. How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?
    With a cow-culator!
  44. How many lips does a flower have?
    Tu-lips!
  45. Why are there gates around cemeteries?
    Because people are dying to get in!
  46. What's that restaurant on the moon like?
    It's OK, but there is no atmosphere!
  47. What's a pepper that won't leave you alone?
    Jalapeño business!
  48. Where was King David's temple located?
    Beside his ear!
  49. What job did the frog have at the hotel?
    Bellhop!
  50. What did the cake say to the fork?
    "Want a piece of me?!"
  51. What do you call a group of unorganized cats?
    Cat-astrophe!
  52. When does a duck wake up?
    At the quack of dawn!
  53. How do you make an egg roll?
    You push it!
  54. When is a door not a door?
    When it's ajar!
  55. Why did the baby strawberry cry?
    Because his parents were in a jam!
  56. Why do bees have sticky hair?
    Because they use a honeycomb!
  57. How do you make an octopus laugh?
    With ten-tickles!
  58. What's red and bad for your teeth?
    A brick!
  59. I ordered a chicken and an egg online.
    I'll let you know what comes first!
  60. Why can't you trust duck doctors?
    Because they're all quacks!
  61. Why don't eggs tell jokes?
    Because crack up too easily!
  62. What do sea monsters eat?
    Fish and ships!
  63. How do you make a tissue dance?
    You put a little boogie in it!
  64. What do lawyers wear to work?
    Their lawsuits!
  65. What did the bartender say to the ham sandwich who tried to order a glass of wine?
    "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
  66. What did one tomato say to the other tomato during a race?
    C'mon, ketchup!
  67. What do you call an alligator detective?
    An investi-gator!
  68. What does a baby computer call his father?
    Data!
  69. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
    Because he was outstanding in his field!
  70. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
    Because he couldn't see himself doing it!
  71. What has four wheels and flies?
    A garbage truck!
  72. Why did the robber jump in the shower?
    Because he wanted a clean getaway!
  73. What do you get from a pampered cow?
    Spoiled milk!
  74. How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
    With a pumpkin patch!
  75. What did one hat say to the other?
    You stay here, I'll go ahead!
  76. Why did the restaurant hire a pig?
    Because he was good at bacon!
  77. Why did the student eat his homework?
    Because the teacher told him it would be a piece of cake!
  78. What lights up a soccer stadium?
    A soccer match!
  79. Time flies like an arrow.
    Fruit flies like a banana!
  80. How did the duck buy lipstick?
    She just put it on her bill!
  81. What has more lives than a cat?
    A frog, because it croaks every day!
  82. Why should you avoid products with velcro?
    Because they're a total rip-off!
  83. Why does Waldo only wear striped shirts?
    Because he doesn't want to be spotted!
  84. Why was the man hit by a bike every day?
    Because he was stuck in a vicious cycle!
  85. What did the termite say after walking into the bar?
    "Is the bar tender here?"
  86. What happens when frogs park illegally?
    They get toad!
  87. Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
    Because it's pointless!
  88. What did one wall say to the other?
    "I'll meet you at the corner."
  89. Why did the kid cross the playground?
    To get to the other slide!
  90. Why did the poor man stock up on yeast?
    To make some dough!
  91. How does the moon cut his hair?
    Eclipse it!
  92. What do you call a fake spaghetti?
    An impasta!
  93. What happens when you witness an Apple store get robbed?
    You become an iWitness!
  94. Why don't melons get married?
    Because they cantaloupe!
  95. What kind of tree can fit inside your hand?
    A palm tree!
  96. What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
    A dino-snore!
  97. What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
    A depresso!
  98. How can you identify a dogwood tree?
    By its bark!
  99. How do you organize a space party?
    You planet!
  100. Why were the fish's grades bad?
    Because they were below sea level!
bestlifeonline.com

100+ Hilarious Jokes No One Is Too Old to Laugh At

Need a laugh today? We've rounded up a list of our favorite goofy, hilarious jokes, which nobody is grumpy enough to resist.
bestlifeonline.com bestlifeonline.com
 
I love jokes like that. I have a few of my own.

A sign in a sporting goods store during the off season:
"Now is the winter of our discount tents."

Why does Norway put barcodes on its battleships:
To scandanavian.

Mr and Mrs Potato Head got incredibly wealthy from the sale of their toys that they became members of high society. One day their daughter, Sweet Potato, came home and announced that she was marrying Walter Cronkite. The parents' response:
"You can't marry Walter Cronkite. He's only a commentator."

A dog walks into a saloon. He's got a bandage on his foot. He says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

In keeping with the title of this forum "Lawyer Jokes."
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

The rabbit and the carrot were lifelong friends. They were walking along one day and a car jumped the curb and ran down the carrot. An ambulance took the carrot to the hospital where he was rushed into surgery. The rabbit paced the waiting room for hours. Eventually the doctor came out and said "Mr Rabbit I've got good news and bad news about your friend." "What's the good news?" "He survived the surgery." "And the bad news?" "He's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
 
A guy's driving down the road. Suddenly the lug nuts pop off. As he skids to the side he watches his tire bounce down the road and he says "You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel."
 
@army judge

Appears to have been written by a Texan to discourage out-of-staters.


TEXAS CAUTION:

In regard to all the people wanting to move here from New York and California as well as many other heavily populated cities across the country, as well as those wanting to visit...

Before you come to Texas to visit you must be aware of what is happening here. Especially, around the coastal, rural and all of south Texas! There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers...

So, if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing on our beaches, river bottoms, hill country or lakes this summer, I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to dryer than usual weather. The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers.

Our lakes are full of gators, freshwater sharks, and creepy old guys wearing speedos.

Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the bushes.

Texas panthers have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.

The local bear and coyote population are all 'in heat' and think your wife/girlfriend is hot.

Snakes... don't even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins here, and the Diamond Back Rattler Cobras.

The poison ivy has overtaken all other vegetation.

We have had bear sightings at every park and town they are after your picnic baskets….and some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms and bars.

Watch out for the jackalopes, they have been extremely aggressive this season.

We have the Skunk Ape invading our parks and it's their mating season. Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.

Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the local campgrounds in packs looking for beer.

Murder hornets!?! We've got great black clouds of murder hornets, and swarms of giant crickets and even some Oklahoma grasshoppers.

Scorpions have been congregating in massive quantities under rocks, logs, wooden steps, automobiles, and tarantulas are now stealing people's food and biting like crazy.

I'm pretty sure all private tiger owners (we had a jump in them after Tiger King) have released their cats into the streets of our cities and towns.

Head lice now fly, and we have vampire bats.

Oh, and no one is vaccinated.

I hear Idaho and Louisiana are really nice though."
 
Here's one that I did create.


The History of our Legal System

There was a time, long ago, when there were only 10 things that thou shalt not do.

That was fine for a few thousand years until a fellow named Hammurabi decided that 10 things weren't enough and came up with 282 laws that he codified based on decisions that he had made during his 42 year rule of Babylonia.

The intent was that everybody would know what their rights and obligations were.

Many of our modern laws have evolved from that body of law but, sad to say, some of Hammurabi's laws have not stood the test of time, but should have.

Examples:

A man caught committing robbery was put to death.

A man whose negligence caused damage to another was sold into slavery and the money from the sale was given to the damaged party in compensation.

A person who committed fraud was made to pay ten times the loss to his victim.

One that I especially like is that a judge who reaches an incorrect decision gets fined and permanently removed from his position.

Time marched on and it became common for the rulers of the lands to make the laws that would assure their continued sovereignty. This was accomplished by writing the laws in arcane language understood only by the writers. This, of course, necessitated being able to teach the laws to their successors and resulted in the development of law schools where the practitioners were taught to dance around the fire and chant the arcane language of the law.

To keep the understanding of the law to a select few the teachers of the law charged a very high entry fee which the practitioners subsequently had to recover by charging high fees to their clients who had no choice but to pay or be bereft of legal representation.

That explains the complexity and cost of today's modern legal system.
 
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DOC BROWN: Roads? Where we're going, chickens don't need roads.

CIA AGENT: It was a cover up. We have proof that the chicken crossed the road, then crossed back to his original position. That double crosser!
 

25 More Clean, But Corny Jokes

1. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?It had great food, but no atmosphere.

2. Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!

3. What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics!

4. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, it just waved.

5. Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I'm still working on it.

6. Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents!

7. Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks!

8. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other's a little lighter.

9. What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business.

10. Why should you never trust stairs?
They're always up to something.

11. When does a joke become a 'dad' joke?
When it becomes apparent.

12. Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
He got fired.

13. What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderpants

14. I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.
No pun in ten did.

15. How do you measure a snake?
In inches—they don't have feet.

16. Where does a waitress with only one leg work?
IHOP.

17. What does a house wear?
Address!

18. Why are toilets always so good at poker?
They always get a flush

19. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands. (I love this joke because it never grows old.)

20. You heard the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

21. Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, 'What's your favorite kind of music?'
The other replies, 'I'm a big metal fan.'

22. The first rule of the Alzheimer's club is…
Wait, where are we again?

23. I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

24. What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

25. How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.


 

36. A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender whats the deal with the meat and the bartender explains that if you jump and slap a piece of meat, you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss, the man must buy drinks for everyone in the bar. The man responds, "Nah, the steaks are too high."



37. Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!



38. What did the shoes say to the pants? "What's up britches?"



39. Why aren't vampires ever invited to parties? They suck the life out of everyone.



40. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.


41. What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spectator.



42. What did the corn say after stubbing his toe? Aw, shuck!



43. Why wouldn't the young crab share his toys? He was feeling shellfish.



44. I went to a great wedding the other week. It was so emotional, even the cake was in tiers.



45. Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!


46. Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.



47. A man took his date to a zoo. They were disappointed to find that it only contained one animal: a dog. It was a shitzu.


48. What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves!



49. I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.


50. Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.

 
The Fakawee Indians hired Joe, the electrician, to install lights in the tribal latrine.
Joe became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.


Which brings us to how the tribe got its name. Back in the 1800s the nasty white man reneged on the treaties and forced the native Americans to relocate. Good land was scarce. They crossed the northern US - too cold. The crossed the great plains - too dry. They crossed the southwestern desert - too hot. They wandered through the western mountains.

Then one day, on a mountaintop, they stopped. Chief Potchentuchis looked to the east, he looked to the south, he looked to the west and he looked to the north.

Then, in desperation, he cried "Where the fakawee?"
 

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