100 Hilarious Jokes, Because No One Is Too Old to Laugh!

justblue said:

Okay...now I must join Reddit!

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They have forums for each color of kitty; one of the ones for orange cat is OneOrangeBraincell. There is a forum just about cats that like to sit in boxes. One forum for black cats is devoted to pictures where visitors have to try to spot where the void kitty is. Another is for photos of very fluffy cats. A forum where photos and videos are posted of cats doing human jobs (aka training videos for cats once the take over the world). That's only a fraction of them. If there's something that's connected to cats there's a forum for it on Reddit. Clearly the cats are trying to feed us propacatana to brainwash humans into liking them enough for us to make their take over easier.

Tax Counsel said:

They have forums for each color of kitty; one of the ones for orange cat is OneOrangeBraincell. There is a forum just about cats that like to sit in boxes. One forum for black cats is devoted to pictures where visitors have to try to spot where the void kitty is. Another is for photos of very fluffy cats. A forum where photos and videos are posted of cats doing human jobs (aka training videos for cats once the take over the world). That's only a fraction of them. If there's something that's connected to cats there's a forum for it on Reddit. Clearly the cats are trying to feed us propacatana to brainwash humans into liking them enough for us to make their take over easier.

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I gotta ask...when did you develop your unique suspicions about cats taking control of the world? Did you have a cat that ruled the house and kept humans under its paw?

TC is not alone in raising the alarm about the coming catpocalypse.

It's alarming how many photos there are on Reddit of cats with guns. Just a sample.

In preparation for the growing catspiracy I am recruiting and arming dogs. We shall not go silently into that long goodnight.

sigh... dogs, guns and beer don't go well (safely) together.

Breaking news: The government has been raiding farms that have been experimenting by combining human DNA with lettuce DNA. They have been finding all kinds of human romaines.

adjusterjack said:

Breaking news: The government has been raiding farms that have been experimenting by combining human DNA with lettuce DNA. They have been finding all kinds of human romaines.

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lol...wilted humor.

Why did Trump marry an immigrant?
Because immigrants do the jobs that Americans won't do.

The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven.
He knocks, and St. Peter opens the Gate.
St.Peter: "Yes?? How can I help you??"
Pope: "I wanna speak with God."
St.Peter: "And you are ???"
Pope frustrated: "I'm the Pope!!!"
St. Peter: "Doesn't ring a bell."
Pope very angry: "I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!!!"
St.Peter closes the Gate and goes to God.
St.Peter: "My Lord, there is someone who wants to talk with you."
God: "Who?"
St.Peter: "He calls himself the Pope."
God: "Who is that supposed to be?"
St.Peter: "I don't know, what should we do with him??"
God: "Let Jesus talk with him, he spent some time down there."
Jesus goes to the Pope.
A few minutes later, Jesus returns laughing like there is no tomorrow.
God: "What's so funny, son??"
Jesus: "Father, you won't believe this, but that Fishing Club I founded 2000 years ago still exists!!!"

What lies at the bottom of the sea and quivers?

A nervous wreck.

Hi, These are some very funny jokes please add more
I want to see more jokes

Thanks,

New invention - Mind control air freshener. Makes scents when you think about it. Works by smellekinesis.

A bird won a race wearing lingerie. It was victorious egret.

There's a 90 year old hip-hop artist. His name is Busta Hip.

There's a new dating app for old people. It's called carbon dating.

I'm reading an exciting book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

This could be another dyxlexia joke: A man goes to Jerusalem and stands at the Wailing Wall. Holding a harpoon.

What's Donald Duck's drug of choice? Quack cocaine.

What has four legs and a hand? A happy Pit Bull.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

Farmer is out with his sheep dog, he tells him to go round up all the sheep. Dog comes back with a herd of sheep, says "I've got them all, all 40." Farmer says "40?!? There should only be 37." Dog says "I know, I rounded them up."

A store clerk fought off a robber with his price gun. Police are now searching for a man with a price on his head.

How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend? Meet Patty.

An elderly homesteader hires some young laborers to dig for water on his property

"Don't worry, Sir, we won't let you down!" says the team leader.

So the laborers grab their shovels and start digging.

The first day, they're breaking ground in the blazing hot sun. They're sweating, working harder than they've ever worked before.

The second day, they bring harnesses and pulleys so they can scale down into the hole. It's cooler down there, but the rocks start getting larger. They have to switch to pickaxes to keep making progress. Buckets and buckets of heavy rocks and dirt are lifted out of that hole.

On the 3rd day, they're so deep that it's starting to get dark. They have to break out the headlamps. But finally, the dirt is getting moist, and they hit water! They pull out another 5 feet of mud to make sure there's some water depth.

On the 4th day, they start building the stonework. They line the walls of their hole with stones as big as their heads, filling any crevices with mortar.

On the 5th day, the walls reach the surface, and they start doing some carpentry. They build a little hut over the hole, and attach a bucket to a rope and pulley system to raise the water.

Finally, on the 6th day, they're finished. They clean up the work site, and go grab the old owner to check their work.

The team leader excitedly declares, "Sir, we've finished the job!"

The old man walks up to the construction and starts inspecting. He first checks the woodwork of the hut, looking for any splintered beams or loose connections. He then slowly walks a full circle around, observing the crevices between stones, to see if any light gets through. He then pulls out a flashlight and looks down the hole, to ensure the stonework goes consistently to the bottom. Finally, he lowers the bucket down, brings up a single load of water, and tastes it.

The team leader nervously asks, "Sir? What do you think?"

The old man turns to him, nods, and says, "Well done."

There are 5 people in a plane.

2 random people, a schoolboy, The Pope, and Trump.

They realize that the plane is crashing, but there are only 4 parachutes.

the 2 random people grab parachutes, and Trump grabs a parachute, and they jump out.

The pope says to the schoolboy, "You jump out with the parachute, I'm old"

the schoolboy says, "no its fine, Trump took my backpack"

What did the elephant say the first time he saw a naked man? "How do you breathe through that thing?"

Someone ripped the 5th month off my calendar. I'm dismayed.

King Charles was visiting the ward of a hospital in Scotland: he asked the man in the first bed how he was, the man replied "The best laid schemes o' mice an' men / gang aft agley". The king moved to the next bed and asked the man how he was, the man replied "Gie me ae spark o' nature's fire / That's a' the learning I desire…". The king moved to the next bed and asked how the man was, the man responded "Nae man can tether time or tide". The king called the nurse over and asked if this was the psychiatric ward, the nurse replied "Och no your majesty, this is the Serious Burns Ward".

Two friends are hiking along a country road.

They notice a hole in the ground and wander over to take a look at it. As they peer into it they see it is very deep. One says," I wonder how deep this hole is". His buddy says,' why don't we drop something into it, maybe that will give us a clue. His friend agrees and they look around for something to to use. They spot a a rusty old anvil and decide that's perfect for the job.

The two men manage to wrestle the anvil to the edge of the hole and push it in. As they stand there waiting for the anvil to hit bottom they hear rapidly approaching hoof beats and suddenly a goat runs past them and dives into the hole.

They are standing there trying to process the events when an old farmer approaches them and asks if they have seen a goat walk by. One of the hikers tells the farmer," Why yes we just saw a goat coming towards us at about 80 miles an hour, run between our legs and jump into that hole. The farmer says, "Well that's just impossible, I had that goat tied to an anvil."

Why parents drink

The boss wondered why one of his most dependable and valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

' Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered,
' No .'

Surprised and still wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'

' Yes .'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered,

' No .'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child,

' a policeman '.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter .'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME .

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly.

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34 It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"