Custody Modification

[bothsides]

I recently filed to change the jurisdiction of our custody/support/visitation agreements from Iowa to Illinois. Dad has always lived in the state of Illinois and our son and I moved to Illinois about a year ago. I currently have physical custody of our son and I also have my two older children in the home with us.

Along with this action I also filed a contempt of court because dad refuses to pay his share of out of pocket medical expenses that he is ordered to pay according to our court documents. I have sent him all the receipts and billing statements with letters requesting reimbursement within 30 days. He has flat out told me verbally, through email, and over text that he does not trust me so he's not giving me any reimbursement. That if I want him to pay any of our son's out of pocket medical expenses then I need to have the provider bill him directly. Yep when I'm at the pharmacy to pick up our son's monthly medication and I'm supposed to have the pharmacy bill him and somehow walk out with our sons medication in hand. Anyhow, I am not sure how difficult contempt of court is to prove? I guess this is my question here. I just want dad to reimburse me!

Lastly, I filed a petition to modify the current Iowa Joint Legal custody with me having primary physical custody to in Illinois me requesting sole-legal custody and retaining physical custody. I am wanting this changed based on our communication and ability to work together and make decisions together for our son. We cannot agree on anything and cannot work together to save our lives.

Several Examples would be:
Me asking dad over email what do you think about our son playing sportX and in return I receive dad's response about how I am a horrible person and that I bleed him dry through child support. Dads degrading remarks about me and dads continuing complaints about his financial obligations toward our son continues through email, but I'll never get an answer about should our son play sportx or not. Our son now hides under the chairs at doctor appointments that we both attend due to us being in constant disagreement about his diagnosis, treatment, etc... Any doctors appointment we both attend is unproductive, because we can't agree on anything.
When our son was refereed to an ENT last year and then scheduled for a tonsillectomy in November dad was upset that our son would miss 5 days of school for the recovery and demanded the surgery be postponed till spring break (a 5 month delay). I explained that our son had already missed 8 days of school due to constant tonsil issues and delaying this surgery would only make it worse. We did have the surgery in November. Earlier in the year dad in an attempt to prove a point to me rescheduled 3 medical appointments our son was scheduled for. Dad then emailed me to inform me of the new dates and times of these appointments. These types of disagreements and dad's harassing communication keep continuing and our son deserves better. We tried to attend counseling this year and after one appointment dad told me that because I was just a liar he was no longer allowing me to attend our "couples communication counseling" with him. I wonder if this type of communication, constant disagreement, is grounds enough to modify joint-legal custody to sole-legal custody? This type of behavior cannot be normal for X-couples raising a child together, can it?

I do not want to reduce or interfere in dads time woith our son, in fact I wish dad would be more involved with our son. But my history with him tells me this will never happen. Which is unfortunate because dad is missing out on so much!

I have been divorced from my older two children's dad for over 8 years and never, never have we behaved toward each other in these ways. We usually trust each others parenting decisions and abilities and when we were in disagreement we'd talk and work it out and come to a compromise that we both felt suitable for our children.

Any advice, direction on the above issues would be greatly appreciated.

 

[army judge]

You've filed, now you must await a hearing and the subsequent judge's ruling.

If you want a chance at being somewhat successful, retain an attorney. You're too emotionally invested to litigate this properly. And, even an attorney might be of little assistance.

Dad is correct in seeking the entire billing record. He is most likely has retained counsel. You can't make dad pay, only a judge can do that.

Be advised, that if dad wants to be a "butthead", a judge can't make him pay either. A judge can only lock him up for a few days or weeks. Eventually he'll get out, and you're both back at square one.

You and dad need to learn how to play nice. If you can't do it for each other, do it for your child.

 

[bothsides]

If you want a chance at being somewhat successful, retain an attorney. You're too emotionally invested to litigate this properly. And, even an attorney might be of little assistance.

I did retain an attorney and so has dad these petitions came at his recommendation. How do you mean he may be of little assistance? This will be the fourth time in six years we have been to court over our son. Something funny that happened this time is several days after I filed a petition to enter a foreign judgment his attorney filed the same petition and that petition was then closed on the same day it was open. I am assuming this was an expensive oversight on their part?

Dad is correct in seeking the entire billing record. He is most likely has retained counsel. You can't make dad pay, only a judge can do that.

Each and every time I paid an out of pocket medical expense I sent dad the billing statement from the provider along with my receipt for payment of that statement and a letter requesting reimbursement within 30 days. I also included an Excel spreadsheet each time keeping a running tally of our son's out of pocket medical expenses as they were paid. I sent these via certified mail as I paid them over the year. I am not sure what else I could have sent him? Our decree clearly states I am to pay the first $250 out of pocket expenses and then he is to cover 100% of the remaining out of pocket expenses per calendar year. Dad tried negotiating with me he said that if I paid 50% (on top of the $250 I already paid) then he would reimburse me.

Be advised, that if dad wants to be a "butthead", a judge can't make him pay either. A judge can only lock him up for a few days or weeks. Eventually he'll get out, and you're both back at square one.

Dad will reimburse me if jail is on the table.

You and dad need to learn how to play nice. If you can't do it for each other, do it for your child.

This will never happen unless only one of us is granted the right to make decisions regarding our son, which is why I am petitioning for sole-legal custody. I suppose if the judge felt that dad is the more suitable parent to make those decisions so be it. I highly doubt this will be the result though. BUT we cannot work together to make those decisions. This change in custody would reduce the parental conflict between us and give our son a better chance at successfully being raised in a split household. This entire situation is unfair to our son! Remember we attempted counseling and I was only allowed to attend one session because dad refused to let me attend anymore although dad continued attending. Seriously if I told dad the sky was blue, he would argue that it was green. If it's my idea, my thought, my anything... Dad immediately thinks it is wrong. Dad seriously hates me as he pointed out in our one counseling session. Because I blew his chance at having an intact family and dad is now financially obligated to our son. Geez... The emails and text messages I have where dad is harassing me reminding me how worthless I am and letting me know just how much him having to pay me child support is a load of $#@! would make a sailor blush.


Another communication question.....

When our son is with dad on the weekend our son asks to call me and is told "dad" does not have my phone number (this is what I am told by our son). So I promised our son I would start calling him on the Saturday's he is with dad. Dad never answers and does not let our son call me back. I tried talking to dad about this and even wrote him a letter requesting that our son be allowed to call me. In response I got a text message from dad that stated... "This is my time with my son and there is no reason you two need to talk, so do not call for our son when he's with me BECAUSE It's MY TIME WITH HIM NOT YOURS!." I still make that call on Saturday afternoon and leave our son a message to call mommy, because I'm not breaking the promise I made. I never get a call back. This again is unfair to our son, he just wants to know he can talk to his mommy when he is with dad. Dad allowing our son a simple phone call would make our son feel better about going with dad and being away from mom, brother, and sister. I thought parents were to not only allow communication with the other parent but to encourage communication with the other parent. Not flat our refuse it? Am I overstepping here to think our son should be allowed to talk to me when he is with dad?

So does anyone have any suggestions on how to avoid some of these issues in the future i.e. any wording that can be included in our order? I am tired of going to court to resolve every issue that comes our way.

I apologize I am way to wordy!

 

[irish223]

Our son now hides under the chairs at doctor appointments that we both attend due to us being in constant disagreement about his diagnosis, treatment, etc... Any doctors appointment we both attend is unproductive, because we can't agree on anything.

Although it does seem that the father is more resistant to working together, I have to say that it takes two to create a situation in which a child is so traumatized that he's hiding under chairs. One of you has to compromise. Why not agree to another doctor's opinion, then make a decision if you both disagree? There are usually ways around any disagreement if you're creative.

Am I overstepping here to think our son should be allowed to talk to me when he is with dad?

IMO, yes. This is dad's time with his son. Since his time is limited to the weekends (every other weekend?), he is entitled to use all of that time to work on his relationship with his son.

 

[bothsides]

Although it does seem that the father is more resistant to working together, I have to say that it takes two to create a situation in which a child is so traumatized that he's hiding under chairs. One of you has to compromise. Why not agree to another doctor's opinion, then make a decision if you both disagree? There are usually ways around any disagreement if you're creative.



IMO, yes. This is dad's time with his son. Since his time is limited to the weekends (every other weekend?), he is entitled to use all of that time to work on his relationship with his son.

We had 3 opinions per dads request and with dads pre-chosen doctors. dad is still not happy with the diagnosis because it's not what he wanted to hear. One of the doctors wrote a one page summary of the visit that was very positive toward me and somewhat negative toward dad in the way we interact. My attorney said we could not submit that into evidence as they could not cross-examine and it would cost thousands to have the doctor testify?

Every other weekend? one of our court visits was dad petitioning the court for less visitation time as he felt the then current visitation schedule was too demanding and recently (about a year ago) he decided to drop his mid-day week time it became too demanding also. So about every other year dad voluntarily reduces his time. He started out with daily visitation, went to every other weekend and a mid-week, and now only takes every other weekend So as far as calling do I tell our son when he asks me to call that no it's not going to happen? If dad would spend more time with our son and stop reducing visitation, our son would be more comfortable staying with him every other weekend. I suggest this and have asked if any other time or arrangement would work better for dad.... I am told it's none of my business.

 

[army judge]

You have an attorney.
Please, allow the attorney you've hired to do his or her best for you.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
Too many attorneys spoil the pleadings.
You must now await your day in court.
I pray for the sake of your child that you reach an equitable solution.
As a retired judge and a sometimes sitting relief district court judge, I've seen this too many times.
I can only add that when one gives a little they often get a little more.
I pray you, your child, and your husband find happiness.

 

[bothsides]

I was Served



So I was just served with paperwork the court date being on 9/9 and my attorney was not included or cc'd? I already have a court date for this matter on 9/14. I don't think our attorneys have talked to each other. :no:

Anyhow within this pleading dad wants me to provide all transportation using "safe Connections" which is right by his work. Due to me acting inappropriately during visitation exchanges.. What the $#@!??? He is the one that has been screaming and yelling at my door to where I have closed and locked my front door on him and then he preceded to call me over 20 times withing 3 hours. Dad claimed that he has suggested third party transporters and I have disagreed? His parents frequently pick up or drop off our son and I have never had an objection to this. Does anyone know Illinois view point on transportation for visitation exchange? To be quite honest with two other children and their extra curricular activities along with my full time job. This would cause me to limit the kids extra curricular involvement and modify my work schedule which I don't think is possible. And the "safe connections" thing why in the world? I have done nothing but let him know if our son is sick, had tylenol recently, or tell him when school pictures are. If there was a bigger issue I'd type a letter and hand it to him in a sealed envelope. What is inappropriate about this?

Also he claims to have paid $1900 in out of pocket medical expenses for 2009 and 2010 requesting I reimburse him $500 ($250 each year). I had all of our son's doctors send me statements and for the doctors I am aware our son sees there were only the out of pocket expenses I have paid. Why would he lie about this, he can't have proof because it's a lie.I guess he could be taking our son to a doctor I am unaware of, but that in itself would be a huge concern.

Dad also claims I refuse to allow him communication with doctors and access to medical records. We attend 80% of our sons appointments together and the ones we do not attend together are because he chooses not to attend I make him aware of all upcoming appointments. He has requested and received ALL of our son's medical records by his request and the doctors have copied and sent them to him. Why lie about this??

Why would he make so many false accusations especially the ones that are easily disproved? Won't that make him look bad? Also they keep referring to our 2005 order and since then there was one in 2007 and 2008 which they do not refer to and these orders are more relevant than the 2005 order.

 

[army judge]

Let him cut his own throat.
What do you care what he says, especially if it's a lie?
Yes, lying will make the judge angry.
But, as long as you tell the truth, so what?
Make sure your attorney knows about the looming court date.