Custody/Visitation Agreement Issues

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jlynnsin

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Ok, so I am in a bit of a jam and trying to get this worked out. I'm in Maryland, currently married with a 19 month old daughter. I have decided that due to my husbands behavior I can no longer continue this marriage. I do not want to keep my child from her father, but he has some issues he needs to work out. I've brought up to him about us separating and coming to a civil agreement regarding our daughter that could be put and writing and filed with a lawyer. He wants no parts of this. He thinks that if I want to leave that I should leave with nothing including our daughter. I explained that making it difficult for each other is only going to effect our daughter negatively, but he doesn't care. He just wants to "win." So what I need to know is, if I leave him, what happens with our daughter. It takes about 30-45 days once paperwork is filed and served for a court date. Who does she reside with during that period? What are our obligations? And legally what can we do?

I rather work it out in a civil manner and keep things from getting ugly. Every other weekend visitations, time during the week, alternating holidays, no child support, daycare split 50/50.
 
File for custody/visitation/support ASAP.

As far as who keeps her with you both splitting, you both have equal rights. Until an order is in place, no one can make you give the child to him, and him to you (except if one of you presented a proven danger as decided by CPS or a Judge if one of you filed for temporary emergency custody).

Obviously, if one of you try to "hide" or keep the child from the other, the Judge who eventually hears the case will not be too happy.

One more thing, no matter if he agrees to what you wish verbally or in writing, you are still better served to have it stated in a court order.
 
Out of interest, is there any reason why Dad shouldn't have more access to the child?
 
There are several reasons. One of the reasons is that in the 19 months of her life he has not taken her to any doctors/ER appointments, not given her a bath, won't change her diaper, and doesn't feed her meals. His feeling is that it is all my responsibility. That is fine, I'm her mother and have no issue with taking care of our daughter. However, he is a parent too and these are things that he should be involved in. One of the other reasons is his drinking. It has been a huge issue. I keep trying to work it out because I don't want our daughter to have a broken home. However, when he becomes drunk he becomes verbally aggressive. This past weekend I endured 8 hours (from 9PM until 5AM!) of him verbally mistreating me while our daughter was sleeping 5 feet away. And I do have some of it on recording. Everything from calling me the C word to telling me that I'm a piece of shit and that even God hates me and there's a special place in hell. At the dinner table he called me an A-hole in front of our daughter. And he is trying to teach her that violence is acceptable and that we should kill stupid people. I just don't think these are things that a small child should be subjected to. However, with that being said, he is still her father. As I tried to explain previously, I'm not trying to keep him from her. I WANT to come to an agreement, get it done with a lawyer and put on file. I'm offering fair time for each of us with her. I don't think she is a pawn or should she be used as a pawn. I am just trying to provide a stable home life for her, and yes I do believe that it involves spending time with her father. I may not agree with his view points, but he is still her father.
 
jlynnsin said:
There are several reasons. One of the reasons is that in the 19 months of her life he has not taken her to any doctors/ER appointments, not given her a bath, won't change her diaper, and doesn't feed her meals. His feeling is that it is all my responsibility. That is fine, I'm her mother and have no issue with taking care of our daughter. However, he is a parent too and these are things that he should be involved in. One of the other reasons is his drinking. It has been a huge issue. I keep trying to work it out because I don't want our daughter to have a broken home. However, when he becomes drunk he becomes verbally aggressive. This past weekend I endured 8 hours (from 9PM until 5AM!) of him verbally mistreating me while our daughter was sleeping 5 feet away. And I do have some of it on recording. Everything from calling me the C word to telling me that I'm a piece of shit and that even God hates me and there's a special place in hell. At the dinner table he called me an A-hole in front of our daughter. And he is trying to teach her that violence is acceptable and that we should kill stupid people. I just don't think these are things that a small child should be subjected to. However, with that being said, he is still her father. As I tried to explain previously, I'm not trying to keep him from her. I WANT to come to an agreement, get it done with a lawyer and put on file. I'm offering fair time for each of us with her. I don't think she is a pawn or should she be used as a pawn. I am just trying to provide a stable home life for her, and yes I do believe that it involves spending time with her father. I may not agree with his view points, but he is still her father.
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You would be best served to focus on WHY you would be the best choice to be named custodial parent.

You should never say a harsh word about the man you chose to be inseminated by and carry the result of that insemination to term.

You should speak with a divorce attorney and discover your options.

Whatever you do, you shouldn't try to craft home made agreements.

DIY law in important matters such as this is as foolish as DIY root canal or DIY cancerous, tumor resection.

You appear to be an AWESOME (my version of the "A" word) mom.

Focus on why you should be the CUSTODIAL (my version of the "C" word, again) of your precious child.

The creep that appears to have never assumed his parental duties, isn't capable of elucidating for the court why he should be the "C" parent.

You can.

You should.

Get to work building your case about what an incredible "A" mom you are and will be for your child.

Also, find a lawyer.

The right lawyer will show you how the idiot man that pretends to be a father to your child can be made to pay your attorney's fees!
 
Thank you. I read other posts in regards to that nature (pointing out why I would be the best suited C parent). I don't plan on trying to point out his flaws that is something he will have to deal with in the future on his own.

As far as the agreement, I wasn't considering a DIY arrangement. I had contacted a lawyer to find out about drawing up a legal document that we agree upon and filing it with the court. I'm not opposed to going to court, I just feel that our daughter has been put under so much stress from this that it would be best suited if we could come to a civil and non-aggressive situation regarding her. Hell, I even offered when I tried to talk to him about it, of not even asking for child support. We would each be responsible for her care while she was in our care. I was just trying to think of ways to make this easiest on her and not have tension so that when she has her time with each of us, she can be the focus or our attention and not the disagreement between us.
 
Your daughter is much too young to remember any of this.

She doesn't even understand much of it.

As she ages, she'll begin to absorb, that isn't today.



You don't have to use the support money.

Heck, I've seen couples agree to fund an investment account or IRA for their child(ren).



They each paid the trust fund, rather than the other parent.



When the children became 18, 21, 25 (a set age); the trust was made available to the child(ren) to buy a home, pay for college or skills training, or to keep adding to it themselves.

The problem between you and the slug you wed is that he's a dimwit and doesn't want to build. He'd rather tear down. He seems to have torn apart your marriage with his self destructive habits. He didn't do right and won't do right.

Agreeing to anything with addicts, alcoholics, deadbeats, bullies, and liars is a waste of your time. If it were that sime you wouldn't be contemplating ending your marriage.

Sometimes you have to admit your dad, your spouse, your child will never do right. That is when you sever ties with creatures of that ilk.
 
This is definitely true. I hope that she never has to remember this. I think what really sealed the deal for me was that she woke up the past two nights with nightmares at 1AM. And the fact that yesterday she wouldn't even go to her dad and when she did she started crying. You are right, there is no agreement with liars and abusers and self-centered people. It's sad that the children are the ones that have to suffer the consequences of this. So I will keep doing what I do and make sure that she has a life that is as normal as possible, regardless of the outcome. But I will make sure, on my end, that the issues between me and her father don't effect her when she is in my care.
 
So this situation has escalated in the last few hours. MY husband showed up to my work and took the car. I realize he has a right to do this as it is financed and titled in his name. However my previous vehicle was used as the downpayment on this car. Since he took the vehicle and has no intentions on giving it back I went to my daughters daycare because I'm going to have to figure out something for transportation and I didn't know how long I was going to be. Now he has never been to her daycare. Only when we separated previously and he has visitation. Otherwise never. So he went to her daycare after he took the car from my work and created a scene to get our daughter. When he was informed that she wasn't there he called me and threatened me. Stating that he was going to file charges for abduction. I offered so many times and even in writing to get something figured out and now I'm in trouble? I don't even know what to do at this point. He has left me with $1.25 to my name until I get paid and the clothes on my back as well as my daughters. No food, diapers or anything else. And I can't even get any of my stuff.
 
jlynnsin said:
So this situation has escalated in the last few hours. MY husband showed up to my work and took the car. I realize he has a right to do this as it is financed and titled in his name. However my previous vehicle was used as the downpayment on this car. Since he took the vehicle and has no intentions on giving it back I went to my daughters daycare because I'm going to have to figure out something for transportation and I didn't know how long I was going to be. Now he has never been to her daycare. Only when we separated previously and he has visitation. Otherwise never. So he went to her daycare after he took the car from my work and created a scene to get our daughter. When he was informed that she wasn't there he called me and threatened me. Stating that he was going to file charges for abduction. I offered so many times and even in writing to get something figured out and now I'm in trouble? I don't even know what to do at this point. He has left me with $1.25 to my name until I get paid and the clothes on my back as well as my daughters. No food, diapers or anything else. And I can't even get any of my stuff.
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You might want to contact the Salvation Army.
They have programs to help women in your unfortunate situation.

You could reach out to a shelter for battered women.

This brute may not have physically attacked you, but I see flashes of humiliation, bullying, belittling, and intimidation in what he's done to you.

A shelter for battered women can provide you with counseling and strategies for surviving brutes, bullies, and batterers.
 
I have been there and I will tell you, do not keep your baby from him... every case is different but in mine, I had a very controlling ex fight and win custody because I removed my baby from an unsafe home. Be as cooperative with him as you can and document everything. Try to agree on something and get a court order. You also do not want to leave her there as you will get screwed for that as well. I also was the primary care provider, he did nothing. Judge said I was a fit mom and he wanted to throw up in the trash to have to make the decision he made... hmmm. And in my case, ex was mentally, emotionally and financially abusive and very violent. Don't bother bringing up his actions, they will get you on "PAS" - parental alienation syndrome. It's a sad sad world we live in.

check out smalljustice.com and nowayoutbutone.com
 
PAS has been thoroughly discredited.

You are referring to Parental Alienation.

The two are completely different.

And something tells me there's far more to your story.
 
to Proserpina: I actually am referring to Parental Alienation Syndrome... just as I stated, thank you for pointing that out. Also known as PAS. There is MUCH more to my story, thank you also for recognizing that... for one thing this was not brought up in my case at all but as I am not a stupid person can see this is an issue that perfectly wonderful FIT primary care providing mothers are experiencing. Sounds like you have a story yourself. Life isn't fair, there are 2 sides to every story and the system did an injustice to my child, not me... the least I feel i can do is help someone before their children are placed in the hands of someone who is likely to abuse them, physically, emotionally and/or like mine, sexually. If you think that would be okay, I pray God send you where you belong.
 
PAS has been discredited by every reputable agency and organization in the country. If your ex actually managed to convince the court that it was valid, you got screwed - BIG time.

PA - Parental Alienation - on the other hand IS valid and is a very worrisome thing. I STRONGLY suggest you do some research into both.

And next time you're in court? You need an attorney.

More info here:

http://www.dwetendorf.com/Mother_PAS.htm
http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/i...lienation/the-truth-about-parental-alienation
http://stopinjusticeofchildren.com/Articles.php


And you're welcome.
 
Like I said, this was not brought up in my case as I had proof and judge admitted to the abuse. But where I am from this is a reality.
 
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