custody, visitations and living in different cities

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Amyfromak

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Here is the problem. I live in a different city than my ex which is 8 hour drive away. HE thinks that becauese he is paying child support that ihave to drive the journey each time he wants to see her. I work two jobs and this is just not possible, nor financially positive for me. He is not on the BC and we have never been to court for a custody or visitation hearing, but he is threatening to do so. I have raised her since the split when she was a baby, shes almost 4 now. His whole argument is that I live in a dry cabin and thinks its unfit for his daughter to live in.

For those who do not know what a dry cabin is, its a cabin that does not have an running water. mind you I have a water system with a sink, a siphon hose, foot pump and bucket, and heat the water each time I wash dishes and what not. I have an outhouse, and she has an indoor potty chair. I also work at an athletic club, with the free membership that grants us as much hot water as we need. its cozy and comfy just for us and I cook from scratch and heat water nightly to do dishes and wash hands. so please dont judge, be curious, but dont judge. it takes more planning but its totally doable.
anyway he thinks its an abomination, and thinks its grounds for having her taken away from me. I think his case hold no water. pun intended. So my question is this.....am I wrong to refuse to move to his city? its big and violent and I dont think its a place to raise her, and am I doing too much already by driving the 8 hours out of the kindness of my heart so she can see him. I am not ordered to do drive to him, and he refuses to come up here. any input would be great thanks
 
Without a court order you do not have to do anything.

Your living arrangements seem to be just fine and your child well taken care of, so no worries there.

Who created the distance? That could be key in deciding who foots the bill and/or time for transportation once visitation is ordered.
 
W moved to the lower 48 together. Then we split, and he lived with his girlfriend, and myself and daughter alone. After a year I decided that It would be best if we moved back to my hometown to be with family. He moved 6 months later to his hometown, 8 hours away. Hes pretty insistant on us moving to his city, even though I have 2 jobs I love and she has her school she loves here. And my whole family. and I would be totally miserable there. He says suck it us and stop being selfish. He says no judge in his right mind would allow me to keep her in a place with out a indoor bathroom, even she uses a potty chair, and no running water. just curious as to if we did go to court that really would look in a judges eyes.
 
I'm going to disagree with Morgan's Daddy a little.

While not having electricity is deemed acceptable (Amish, anyone? :) ) , most judges in this day and age will NOT approve of having no running water and no indoor bathroom.

Since there is no custody agreement in place, if Dad files it will boil down to "best interest" - and remembering that this would be an initial determination, if Dad can prove he has a better living environment he may well end up with custody.
 
And mind you that I work at a atheltic club and we go swimming there, also spend every weekend at nana's and they have running water. Its not in her best interest to live with him for a number a reasons, he smokes pot, drinks a lot, there are issues with his familys health at the moment, and he has no drivers lisense. So how is he going to get her to school, and what not? Just because we don't have a sink faucet that when turned gushes out running water dosent make it a bad place for her to live. she know how to use the foot pump to get water. its not for everybody, but in Alaska it quite normal to live with out running water. I grew up without running water till I was 6. Its uncommon in the states yes, but its a way of life up here.
 
oh and since I am still potty training her she has an indoor potty chair. in case you didn't catch that. And again quite the normal occurance in Alaska to have an outhouse.
 
OP, a most interesting story.

You lead a rather different, but not illegal or immoral life.

Being poor is not a crime, and being frugal isn't either.

As Proserpina said, let him take you to court.

If things are as you say, I'm giving you a 70-75% shot at keeping your child with you.

Being that dad is a bum, at best, I'll up that to 90%.

Why?

I doubt that a ne'er do well (and doper), such as this one, will carry out his threat.

Who knows?
 
I wouldent consider myself poor, but pride myself in frugal, and getting the most for my buck. its not really a dry cabin, i like to cal it damp. and in the summer I have a solar shower hooked up and use rain water. He cant wrap his head around the way we live cause he has never had to. Hes a city boy. I am wondering though who should be footing the transportation bill. Its about 100 bucks each way plus the cost of food and lodging, and the time missed from work. He dosent want to alternate the drive and Im stuck feeling that if I dont make the drive then my kid will never see her dad. and I dont want to be the one to not let her see him. I just dont want to keep getting stuck with the bill
 
The truth is that without an actual court order, not only do you not have to allow visitation (which you've already indicated isn't what you want - and that's a good thing, Mom. You're trying to do the right thing :) ), but you absolutely don't have to provide the transportation to and from Dad's.

Is there ANY way he'll come to some sort of agreement? A compromise?

If he does take you to court - and assuming that your judge sides with you and leaves you as CP - Dad will likely have to bear at least some of the cost of transportation.
 
Hes made it pretty clear that he dosent want to come up here. I have offered him to stay at my cabin and I can stay with my parents, but he is soo opposed to using a simple outhouse. I see it as one less room in the house to clean :) He says my only option is to drive each time, or move, both of which dont sound too good to me. We are both pretty stubborn people, but I seem to be doing a lot more than he for him to continue to have a relationship with his daughter. I have started to the process to get a lawyer today, to really find out what would be best, considering our unique living lifestyle.
 
One last comment, Amy, having a dad in a child's life is the desired outcome.
An even better outcome would be to live together as a happy family.
But, that isn't possible for every kid.
So, I suggest you focus on being the best mom you can be for your child.
Don't worry, fret, or stress about him.
If he wants to be in her life, let him figure out how.
He's an adult, and isn't a DIY project.
Your lifestyle choice makes you happy, so live your life.
If he wants to be in her life, let him make the first steps.
In your case, going to court may not be the best solution.
But, if he decides that is what he wants to do, just be ready to tell what a great mom you try to be.
Then tell what a great kid you're parenting.
Good luck.
 
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