Father that wants custody of his 9 year old daughter, lives with GPs not the mom.

[trainguy]

I'm 29 and my daughter is 9 years old and I have no visitation rights established. I have court ordered child support that I have paid since my daughter was 6 months old. I dated her mom for 4+ years from the time I was 19-23 never married. When my child was born I was uncertain about paternity because of some possible infidelity on her part. I decided not to put last name on the birth certificate the day after the birth and that is where all the problems really started. I was in the military at the time and was called to serve over seas, so I decided to sign a petition of paternity in case anything happened to me while I was there and she would be taken care of. I started paying my child support after that without ever getting a paternity test. Her mother and I dated on and off the following 2+ years but eventually called it quits. I have seen my daughter every other weekend since that time and more time during holidays and summer. My daughters mother has another child with her deceased husband. Following her husbands death she acquired benefits for both children and herself. Her benefits included social security for the son and mother, some sort of insurance, and free college for the kids and herself. She has a nice house paid for and a very nice car paid for and has no job. Without the benefits from his death she would not be able to live as well as she does. This brings me to the point of this lengthy post. My child does not live her and this outrages me. Her husband died about 3-4 years ago and at that time both kids and parents lived together like a family should. Now for the past 2 years my daughter has lived with her moms parents that live about 10 minutes from her. She has all the opportunity to be a great mom and spend extra time with her kids but chooses to leave them with her parents for them to raise. She would rather spend time at bars and with her friends. The only thing she does is pick her kids and nieces and nephews from school and takes them to her parents where they basically live and then she goes home. A few years ago she was in trouble with the school for my daughter missing days and being late to school many times. My question is how is this possible when you don't work??? My daughters aunt is not any better her kids live with the same grandparents as well and she had the same issues with the schools. Fortunately my daughter is getting older and uses computers to talk to me regularly because before I could hardly ever get in touch with her mother. I'm left in the dark about alot of things that pertain to my daughter unless she tells me. Her mother regularly forgets her medicine for asthma. I do have a pretty good relationship with the grandparents so I do get to see her regularly. Basically my daughters mother is a crappy mother with little interest in her children's lives. I guess she buys there love with her money. I honestly think my daughters best interest is to live with me and my wife (common law). I'm scared I will be rocking the boat and making my situation worse if I try to get physical custody because I really think I wouldn't win. I think this because most men have a hard time getting custody unless they have proof the mother is unfit and I'm not sure I can win this case just based on the facts stated above but I honestly believe her mother is neglecting her. I know her moms personality and shes vindictive so make my visitation will not be as lax as it is now. She would make the quality of life I do have now with my daughter worse. I really want my daughter to know that the way to raise a child is not the way her mother is doing it?

Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

thanks and sorry for the length of the post again.

 

[army judge]

I suggest you reread and digest your post.

You know the answer to your question.

Children do not have to live in the home of their parents.

After all, have you ever heard of boarding schools, finishing schools, or military schools?

Mom may not be the best mother, but I've seen worse.

I see nothing in what you've posted that would serve to illustrate that mom is a poor mother.

However, you have a live in lover.

No state recognizes the legitimacy of "comom-law" marriages.

They are but a legal fiction of a by gone era.

That alone, could hamper your chances at custody.

But, the biggest problem for you to overcome is the status quo.

Courts are reluctant to remove kids from a loving, safe environment.

You'll be shelling out that child support for another decade.

But, I strongly encourage you to discuss your situation with a local attorney or two.

You would be best served to establish court ordered visitation.

You have a right to regularly see your child and to be involved in her life.

You could also establish to the right to make decisions about her education, medical care, education, religious training, etc...

It is good you are on pleasant terms with her grands, but you should establish legal boundaries through the court.

Who knows, the court may inquire as to why mother has farmed her brood out to her parents?

If it does, that just might be the opening you are seeking.

The initial consultation is often provided free of charge, so it is a great time to ask specific questions.

Yes, I suggest you discuss the specifics of your situation with a couple of good family law attorneys.

Ask around, co-workers, friends, family for the names of two or three prospects.

 

[trainguy]

thanks for your reply. Please don't take offense but boarding school and living a ten minute drive from your grandparents house is not the same. I understand the point you are trying to get across to me and believe me the CS is not an issue for me. My issue is that my daughter could live with me and have a better quality of life better schools, all the medicine that she needs at all times. You are right that the current living situation is a loving one but to raise a child should not fall on the shoulders of the grandparents when she has very able parents. As for the common law that will change to marriage in the next 6 months. I agree that there are worse mothers but what really finally search for some answers was the fact that the grandfather made a statement to me saying how much of a crappy mom she was because my daughter recently had an asthma attack and could not get a hold of her mother for 2 days.

 

[army judge]

thanks for your reply.

You're welcome!!!!

I agree that there are worse mothers but what really finally search for some answers was the fact that the grandfather made a statement to me saying how much of a crappy mom she was because my daughter recently had an asthma attack and could not get a hold of her mother for 2 days.

The portion of the sentence I highlighted and underlined above is precisely the type of information that COULD get you custody!!!!


A medical emergency is something courts don't look kindly upon when parents are unavailable!!!!!!


You might wish to discuss that with one of the lawyers I hope you see very soon!!!!

 

[disagreeable]

So she not only has a crappy mom, she also has a crappy dad. It sounds like she is doing wonderful with the grandparents that love her. I know a young lady that grew up wonderfully, in a similar situation. She graduated from high school, went on to college and had a mother and father who taught her how not to treat your children.

 

[trainguy]

thanks alot

 

[trainguy]

So she not only has a crappy mom, she also has a crappy dad. It sounds like she is doing wonderful with the grandparents that love her. I know a young lady that grew up wonderfully, in a similar situation. She graduated from high school, went on to college and had a mother and father who taught her how not to treat your children.

well I would be that crappy father as you say? I'm not really sure how you came to the conclusion I was crappy as I am the one writing this as to get help as to what my options are to make my daughters life better.

 

[Proserpina]

Here we go.

Stop focusing on how bad you think Mom is.

It's actually not relevant at this point.

What IS relevant is the simple plain old fact that your child is NOT living with the other parent. THAT is your basis for modifying custody.

The fact that she is safe and well with the grandparents does not mean that you cannot file to modify custody. The courts can, and regularly DO, remove children from NON-parent homes when the other fit parent is available to take the child.

Speak with an attorney asap.

 

[disagreeable]

Sorry if I hit your nerve harder than I intended. You do not appear upset about your daughters living conditions. You appear upset about her mother getting money and running around. Reread your post. Nowhere, does it say you asked your daughter how she feels about her current living situation. All you do is present your outrage and the basis for it. It is not about you. It is not about your ex. It is about your daughter. Also, how do you think the G's will feel if she will feel if she is suddenly uprooted? Remember them? They are the ones who have opened their home to your daughter, your ex and you, when they had no legal obligation to do so. Do I think you should file for custody? Maybe!!! Do I think you should re-evaluate honestly what your motives are and what you will accomplish by doing so? Definitely. Do I think you should explore your daughters feelings on the subject and feel out the G's? Definitely. Do I stand beside you in moral outrage at think your ex does? Definitely, however it is not about her.

 

[trainguy]

1. You do not appear upset about your daughters living conditions.
2.You appear upset about her mother getting money and running around.
3. Nowhere, does it say you asked your daughter how she feels about her current living situation.
4 All you do is present your outrage and the basis for it. It is not about you. It is not about your ex.
It is about your daughter.
5. Also, how do you think the G's will feel if she will feel if she is suddenly uprooted? Remember them? They are the ones who have opened their home to your daughter, your ex and you, when they had no legal obligation to do so.
6. Do I think you should re-evaluate honestly what your motives are and what you will accomplish by doing so? Definitely. Do I think you should explore your daughters feelings on the subject and feel out the G's? Definitely. [/QUOTE [/I]

I have broken this down so you can understand this situation
1. You do not appear upset about your daughters living conditions.
I'm happy my daughter doesn't actually live with her mother because she is a 30 year old child.
Her parents are not responsible for raising our child.
Why would I search for a place with forum to post this if I wasn't upset with where my child lives?
My daughter lives at her grandmothers house with my daughter 9, her cousins 13, 11, 6, and half brother 5. The 6 six year old has a legitimate reason her father died after she was born and her mother is a loser/drug user that is married to a guy that beats her and her kids. So the grandparents actually have custody of that child with reason. Of all these children in this house my child is the only one that has her father in her life.

2.You appear upset about her mother getting money and running around.
NO. She has enough money or social security or whatever it is that she doesn't need to work. Why would anyone with this luxury not put their child first in their life. I'd feel comfortable saying I spend more time with my child in the 4-5 days a month I have her than her mother does in the other 25-26 days. This has nothing to do with her money or what she does in spare time or anything to do with child support it's all bout what she should be doing as a mother an not.

3. Nowhere, does it say you asked your daughter how she feels about her current living situation.
My daughter doesn't have a choice where she lives. She should be living with either her mother or father if they are able to give her a loving and stable home life. Where would you rather live a house that someone doesn't spend the quality time with you they should or a house with other kids? I have had this conversation with her.

4. All you do is present your outrage and the basis for it. It is not about you. It is not about your ex. It is about your daughter.
I believe have all the reason to be outraged when I know my daughter can have a better life. My daughters happiness is the most important thing.

5. Also, how do you think the G's will feel if she will feel if she is suddenly uprooted? Remember them? They are the ones who have opened their home to your daughter, your ex and you, when they had no legal obligation to do so.
Her grandfather has made many comments regarding how her mother needs to grow up and take care of her children. He has told me many times that this sure isn't how he wanted to spend his retirement raising kids again. My daughter has told me about fights between her mom and grandparents about her not spending enough time with her children.

6. Do I think you should re-evaluate honestly what your motives are and what you will accomplish by doing so? Definitely. Do I think you should explore your daughters feelings on the subject and feel out the G's? Definitely.
My motives are simple, my daughter being happy, loved, and stable home with one of her parents.


If you read this and still have the same feelings and feel like you understand it the same as before please don't comment on my post again. thanks

 

[Proserpina]

(I will interject here that a 9 year old should not be put in the middle of a custody dispute. Asking an older teen is one thing - because their preference may actually carry quite some weight in court - but a 9 year old? Not so much, in my opinion).

 

[disagreeable]

You have now presented factors that convey you have looked at the issues beyond your anger with mom. Based on the additional info you supplied, I think your daughter would be much better off with you and I think he G's would support the change also. That will be very important since they will effectively be siding with you against their daughter. I think with their support, you might have a good chance at gaining custody and that your daughter would benefit greatly from it. When you approach the court, present the facts about mom impartially and let the court decide for themselves what waste she is. It will work in your benefit.