Joke

adjusterjack

adjusterjack

Super Moderator
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=flair_name:"Walks into a bar"&restrict_sr=1
The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.

Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this." The man says "In the alley way behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.

A few minutes passed and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands." The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
 
For those out there who are not nerdy, H2O2 is Hydrogen Peroxide.

Here's another.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
 
Okay, I'll play.

====================

What's the different between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws;
A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

====================

A proofreader shared with her coworkers an example to illustrate how writing can be skewed by the reader's gender:

A professor wrote on the blackboard, "Woman without her man is nothing."

The students were then instructed to insert the proper punctuation.

The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

====================

Two guys steal a calendar.
They got six months each.

====================

A third grade teacher saw one of her students wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted her to ask, "Are you tracking your steps?"

"No," said the little girl. "I wear this for Mommy so she can show Daddy when he gets home."
 
A white liberal and a black guy have been walking through the desert for days with no water. They find a lone building that happens to be a bar. They walk in and the bartender asks them what they need. The black guy says, "Water" and is given a cold glass that he drinks immediately.

The bartender asks the white liberal what he needs. The white liberal looks at the black guy and, somewhat embarrassed, says, "I'm fine. I have my privilege.".
 
A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks.

The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?"

The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."
 
Some Texans are mingling at a bar when an Oxford graduate walks in.

"Howdy, stranger," one Texan says. "Where are you from?"

The Oxford graduate answers, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions."

"Oh, I'm sorry," replies the Texan. "Where are you from, jackass?"
 
A dog with a bandage on his foot walks into a bar and says:

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

________________

An old man visited his doctor for help with a problem.
"Doc, I don't know what's wrong, but I fart all the time. It's weird because they are silent and odorless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I've farted about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?"
The doctor replied, "Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come see me in a week."

A week later, the old man came back to the doctor and he was upset. "Doc, those pills didn't help - they made it worse! I'm still farting, but now they stink something fierce!"
The doctor replied, "Calm down, sir. Now that we've cleared your sinuses, we can work on your hearing."
 
An old man visited his doctor for help with a problem.

"Doc, I don't know what's wrong, but I fart all the time. It's weird because they are silent and odorless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I've farted about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?"

The doctor replied, "Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come see me in a week."

A week later, the old man came back to the doctor and he was upset.

"Doc, those pills didn't help - they made it worse! I'm still farting, but now they stink something fierce!"

The doctor replied, "Calm down, sir. Now that we've cleared your sinuses, we can work on your hearing."
 
army judge said:
An old man visited his doctor for help with a problem.

"Doc, I don't know what's wrong, but I fart all the time. It's weird because they are silent and odorless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I've farted about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?"

The doctor replied, "Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come see me in a week."

A week later, the old man came back to the doctor and he was upset.

"Doc, those pills didn't help - they made it worse! I'm still farting, but now they stink something fierce!"

The doctor replied, "Calm down, sir. Now that we've cleared your sinuses, we can work on your hearing."
Click to expand...
lol...post 8. Jack beat you to it.
 


A man is driving down the highway when he sees a shipping truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, "Quick! You've gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for AAA!" The man agrees and drives off with the penguins. After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There's no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema, when who does he see leaving the theater but the guy who said he'd help him, 25 penguins still in tow. "What happened!" the truck driver screams. "I told you to take them to the zoo!" "I did," the man answers. "But I had a little money left over, so I thought I'd take them to a movie too."




A priest, a minister, and a rabbi wanted to see who was best at ministering to the unsaved. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion." "I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him." They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."





Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah's Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she moves closer to the front. She leaps and leaps until she lands on the back of an elephant. The pachyderm turns to its mate and says testily, "I knew it! Here they go with the pushing and shoving!"




A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, "I'm a panda. Google me!" Sure enough, panda: "A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."



A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, "You don't see a dog in here drinking a martini very often." The dog says, "At these prices, I'm not surprised."



A defendant isn't happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Judge: "Where do you work?" Defendant: "Here and there." Judge: "What do you do for 
a living?" Defendant: "This and that." Judge: "Take him away." Defendant: "Wait; when will I get out?" Judge: "Sooner or later."



A young lawyer is working late one night when his office door opens and in walks Satan. "I have an offer you can't refuse," says Satan. "If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I'll make you a full partner in your firm."

The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, "So what's the catch?"
 
One of the shortest wills ever written: "Being of sound mind, I spent all of my money."

====================================


A farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, "How old will I be when I die?" His reply was 96 years old. She said, "Hot diggity dog, I will have myself fixed up."

She had everything lifted and tucked and was in the doctor's office, making the last payment on her reconstruction. She walked out of the doctor's office, started across the street, and was hit and killed. She gets to heaven and asks the Lord, "What happened? You told me that I would live to be 96."

His reply: "Well, I just didn't recognize you!"


=====================================

The average age of people living in a military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up. "How old are you?" a tenant asked. "I'm 81 years old," he answered. The tenant shook her head. "They sure grow up fast, don't they?"

======================================


A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. "Please, Señora," the poor man pleads, "I haven't eaten all day." "Good," says the grandmother. "Now you won't have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim."


===============================

I've always been disappointed. When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighed—when I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five.

==================================

"How was your blind date?"

"Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce."

"What's so terrible about that?"

"He was the original owner."

======================================


John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." Grandma says, "You're welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

=========================================
 
God: Gabriel, have you finished setting up future events for the 2020s?

Gabriel: Yes, God, I hav - wait, did you say 2020s plural? As in the decade?

God: Of course, what else?

Gabriel: I thought you meant 2020 the year

God: You put a decade's worth of history in one year?

Gabriel: ….yes.

God: Well, crap.
 
During World War II, my father often found himself stuck with KP duty. One day, convinced he could improve things, he told the head cook, "If you give me a paring knife, I could peel these potatoes faster." The cook turned slowly to my father and said, "Son, you're in the Army. You have plenty of time." —Jack Girard
 
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes 
a seat. "What are you drinking?" he asks the guy next to him.

"Magic beer?" the guy continues, "Oh yeah? What's so magical about it?"

"Watch." The guy swigs some beer, walks over and dives off the roof, flies around the building, and then returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

"Amazing!" the first man says. "Lemme try some of that!"

He grabs the beer, quaffs it down, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories 
to the sidewalk.

The bartender shakes his head. "You know, you're real nasty when you're drunk, Superman."
 

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