Modification of Custody

[ryan2113]

I have a seven year old daughter who I share physical and legal custody of with my ex. We have only been to court once and then came to our current agreement ourselves outside of the court system. I need advice on how to handle current situations that have caused a change in my daughter's life.

Her mother has had few different relationships recently after a four year long relationship ended 8 months ago. All of these men have lived in the home. She also sends her to relatives for the weekends to go out drinking, I have personally seen her at bars when our child is suppose to be in her care. The time that she is with me I do not go out and make sure that I spend that time with her. Most recently I saw my ex at an all day festival when she had told me that the child was going to her family's because she had to work and it was 2pm and she had told me she would need to work until 5pm and that was the reason for sending her to her family's home. I have offered to watch the child at any time she needed but she has previously told me before that she does not want me to.

She has picked our child up early from school to take her back to her work after school even though I was already off work and could take care of her. This has happened both this school year and several times last school year

Our daughter is struggling in school and my ex refuses to acknowledge her issues. I have been in contact with school personal trying to get her the support she needs. I am making doctors appointments for her but I am finding my ex is refusing that she needs the help. She has previously said that I do not need to lecture her. With our current arrangement majority of school time is spent with her mom, even though it is a 50/50 split. I have received information from the school that homework is not being completed on mom's nights and she is falling behind in her work.

Do I have enough information to modify custody and have it so we would have an equal amount of the school year? Possibly to an alternating weekly schedule? I feel like that if the roles were reversed and I was the one in and out of relationships and not helping the child that my ex would immediately gain primary custody but because I am a father it would not be the same.

 

[Proserpina]

I have a seven year old daughter who I share physical and legal custody of with my ex. We have only been to court once and then came to our current agreement ourselves outside of the court system. I need advice on how to handle current situations that have caused a change in my daughter's life.

Her mother has had few different relationships recently after a four year long relationship ended 8 months ago. All of these men have lived in the home. She also sends her to relatives for the weekends to go out drinking, I have personally seen her at bars when our child is suppose to be in her care.

Mom is allowed to go out. She's allowed to spend the whole weekend partying as long as kiddo is safe and sound.

The time that she is with me I do not go out and make sure that I spend that time with her.

Parenting difference - not a reason to modify.

Most recently I saw my ex at an all day festival when she had told me that the child was going to her family's because she had to work and it was 2pm and she had told me she would need to work until 5pm and that was the reason for sending her to her family's home. I have offered to watch the child at any time she needed but she has previously told me before that she does not want me to.

Okay.

She has picked our child up early from school to take her back to her work after school even though I was already off work and could take care of her. This has happened both this school year and several times last school year

Our daughter is struggling in school and my ex refuses to acknowledge her issues. I have been in contact with school personal trying to get her the support she needs. I am making doctors appointments for her but I am finding my ex is refusing that she needs the help. She has previously said that I do not need to lecture her. With our current arrangement majority of school time is spent with her mom, even though it is a 50/50 split. I have received information from the school that homework is not being completed on mom's nights and she is falling behind in her work.

This might be an issue. How old is your daughter, and have her grades actually fallen dramatically over say..a year?

Do I have enough information to modify custody and have it so we would have an equal amount of the school year? Possibly to an alternating weekly schedule? I feel like that if the roles were reversed and I was the one in and out of relationships and not helping the child that my ex would immediately gain primary custody but because I am a father it would not be the same.

Can you describe the current schedule?

(Your gender has nothing to do with things, Dad - if Mom posted here I'd respond in the same way and so would the court )

 

[army judge]

If I recall correctly, NC is one of a small number of jurisdictions that frowns upon a custodial parent cohabitating without benefit of marriage in the presence of the children. I could be wrong. But, cohabitation is grounds for losing custody. It is hard to prove and even harder to litigate. Speak with a lawyer, and make sure you are not doing it OP if you can take this approach.

 

[Proserpina]

Two issues there.

1. If Dad wasn't married to Mom at all, the court likely won't entertain a complaint about Mom cohabiting without being married.

2. Dad hasn't done anything about this for at least four years - again, the court isn't likely to entertain the idea. Even in NC


NC did strike the previous law banning cohabitation...so at least you can legally live in sin

 

[ryan2113]

Mom and I were married, although for a short time and then she left for another man. I have mentioned before that I was uncomfortable with her living with the men but she pushed my concerns aside. I was especially concerned with the short term live-ins.

The current schedule has me having one overnight a week and two overnights a week on weeks that I do not have her the weekend and then every other weekend. Then I have the entire summer with the exception of one week and mom's every other weekend. We split Christmas break and alternate for years of Thanksgiving and spring break.

Our daughter is academically doing ok in school. The issues that she is having have been present since beginning of Kindergarten. The main concern is that she is not getting her work done and falling behind. Even though she knows the information she doesn't do the work so her grades are slipping. It is too early in this school year to determine how much of a change it is from last year.

 

[Proserpina]

I cannot see a modification at this point, Dad. There is no significant CoC.

At best, you can go to court and request a "no paramour" clause meaning that Mom can't have boyfriends staying over any more. However, this would also apply to you. Given that you didn't do anything it earlier, I doubt the court would order it (yes, even in NC) but if you're certain you want to go down that route then of course you should do what you feel is right.

 

[ryan2113]

I am re-married and have been for a year and half. In our very first court order it said that neither parent will have romantically or sexually involved overnight guests. When we went to court the one time she basically got a slap on the wrist but the judge did say that he would take that into consideration at the final hearing which we never went to. We came to an agreement.

The previous order also stated that neither parent was to drink or do drugs during their parenting time. Would it be possible to have this added back in?

 

[Proserpina]

Not unless you can prove that doing so would harm the child.

I'm sorry Dad - but these are pretty standard clauses commonly included during the early stages of a divorce. Unless it can be shown that the child is in danger or has previously been endangered (be it from boyfriends, girlfriends, drugs or alcohol), they are rarely - in real life - included in permanent orders.

To have them added now would take proof. Hard evidence.

 

[Proserpina]

(And really - proving "sexually involved"? Not happening)

 

[ryan2113]

They were in a permanent order we had up until she was five years old, when I started the process of getting shared custody at that time. Then there were significant changes and hard evidence she was keeping her from me. I saved e-mails and text messages of her telling me that if I didn't drop the custody hearing that I would only be able to see her every other weekend and nothing more. She also kept me from knowing her doctor and preschool teacher. I was not listed as the father at the preschool but the boyfriend was. She refused to let me know when doctors visits are and the one time she called to tell me she was in the ER she refused to tell me which one. I went to every ER and finally found her where once again I was told that the staff was told her boyfriend was the father.

This is the type of person she is very controlling. Old boyfriend has been coming around and bringing our daughter gifts. She said she is considering the idea of getting back together with him. When he moved out before our child became extremely depressed and had some serious behavior issues at school. She was coming home every day with a note. When I picked her up from school the other day she told me that "her real daddy" was coming back into her life.

I was deployable for four years(I am out of the military now) of my child's life and I probably missed about two whole years of that over that time. It was very hard for me to stay in contact while I was gone because my ex refused my phone calls and ignored e-mails. When I returned she was calling the old boyfriend her "real daddy" because she said "mommy told me you left and not gonna come back"

I am worried that my ex will start to pull the same things she did before and try to push me out of her life. It has already started to happen when we had a verbal agreement that I would take care of our daughter after school on days she had to work and she was mad at me so she told me she had gotten someone else to pick her up then I find out that she picked her up and took her back to her work. When I asked her she flat out told me that she did it because she doesn't want me getting "extra time" anymore.

 

[army judge]

Ryan, you need a lawyer. You should discuss all of your concerns with your lawyer. Once you've done that, you'll be in a much better position to determine what (if anything) you can do. Thank you for your service to our nation. I hope you get the justice you appear to deserve.

 

[ryan2113]

Thank you. I know I have a long road ahead of me. I am trying to do what's best for my daughter and save our relationship. I came home from a long deployment when she was four and that was when I found out my ex had tried to "replace" me. It has taken me three years to build that relationship back up to what we have now because she was so young when I left. I just hope that since she is older now she understands that I love her.

 

[army judge]

Ryan, it isn't about what anyone believes. Some people are too blind to see.

Just keep being the best dad you can be.