NYS Custody Case - Sole Custody, Father wants modification

[canne]

Jurisdiction

New York

My son is 11 years old. His father and I were never married, and both lived in NYS at the time of my son's birth. My son's father relocated to Florida when my son was about 2 years old, and custody paperwork was filed in order to pursue child support. I was granted sole legal and physical custody. My son's father has criminal record including sex offender (inexcusable, but not a young child, I do not have concern for my son specifically as it relates to this charge) status requiring registration and marijuana related charges - which he has violated, most recently by not registering 2 years ago when he relocated back to NYS, and growing marijuana in his shared apartment. He has moved back and forth between Florida and NYS (financial reasons, he has family and support network there) but has never contested the custody. There is no official visitation agreement other than 6 weeks during the summer (as he lived in Florida) and within reasonable contact. When he has lived in NYS I have always allowed him to see my son and even shared every other weekend and more. When I need childcare assistance he is always the first person I ask, although he often cannot help due to work schedule.

His father is now moving into his own apartment (previously had roommates who now have small children moving in that he is legally not allowed to be around, so he is forced to move out, not doing this simply to pursue custody) and wants 50/50 custody. He called me, under the impression he could ask for two weeks on two weeks off. I explained no judge would grant this, and how generally custody is split in a "normal" circumstance. Also explained that I have no interest in disrupting my son's life as it has been functioning for the past 8-10 years, and that since visitation has never been limited or denied, there is no reason for me to agree. I have handled solely all medical decisions, care, and appointments, have handled all academic progress (my son maintains 85 averages and above and is on the honor roll consistently), work out all extracurricular registrations (he does split financially now, although he did not for years), practices and games (he comes to games and helps with practices if it is convenient for him, but not otherwise). He "wants a normal day to day life" with his son (which I feel for and can empathize) which he feels he cannot have unless he has consistent stretches of time with his son living in his apartment. (I do worry this is about control, his anger and verbal abuse does increase with me when he does not have control over my actions and whereabouts) He also states his son "needs him" now, to be able to discuss things he can't discuss with his mom (I don't buy it, I am very honest and candid with my son, and he has more than sufficient weekly access with his father and can pick up the phone and call at any point).

I guess I'm just wondering what the chances are that a judge would grant him his 50/50 request. Should I go in fully prepared to make a logical, point by point case as to why I do not believe this is in my son's best interest? I have discussed this (openly, gently) with my son and explained that A) he can be honest with me without worry and B) if he wants to weigh in I am willing to consider his desires - but that he does not have the end say in this, the judge does. He is adamant that he wants to continue the living situation as is, but, since his dad is moving closer, maybe add a visitation midweek (2016 he was with him nearly every weekend, since December it has been more like Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon). He does not want his dad to know, and we've agreed that if his dad asks he can continue to just say "I'm not sure what I want right now dad, I don't want to talk about it." and that I will not share his feelings, nor would a judge. Thoughts? I don't think given the combination of legal record, track history, and the status quo that he has much shot, but the slim chance makes me anxious.

 

[mightymoose]

His chances are likely slim to none.
While he might potentially obtain a modified order and increased visitation time, it sounds as if he has some hurdles to jump before he would get to 50/50, and he may have moved again before he gets that far.

 

[army judge]

He lives in Florida.
Let him make his move, and you would be wise NOT to communicate anymore with him.
Communicating with a convicted pedophile (although your child hasn't been harmed YET - as far as you KNOW) would serve no useful purpose in your life, or the life of your child.
Yes, mothers and fathers can be good influences in the life of children, but all mothers and fathers aren't worthy of the title.

That said, here's the good news for you.

An unmarried male who fathers a child has no parental rights until he goes to court, establishes paternity before the court via DNA testing, establishes court ordered child support, and court ordered VISITATION.

You live in NY.
The convicted pedophile lucky for you, lives in Florida.
If he were ever to be granted visitation, he'd probably have to foor the bill both ways for the child to visit.

Personally, I'd be very leery about a convicted pedophile, who was never in my child's life suddenly appearing and screaming about 50/50 custody for a kid he doesn't even know.

You, of course, are free to draw your own conclusions and make your own decisions.

 

[leslie82]

My son is 11 years old. His father and I were never married, and both lived in NYS at the time of my son's birth. My son's father relocated to Florida when my son was about 2 years old, and custody paperwork was filed in order to pursue child support. I was granted sole legal and physical custody. My son's father has criminal record including sex offender (inexcusable, but not a young child, I do not have concern for my son specifically as it relates to this charge) status requiring registration and marijuana related charges - which he has violated, most recently by not registering 2 years ago when he relocated back to NYS, and growing marijuana in his shared apartment. He has moved back and forth between Florida and NYS (financial reasons, he has family and support network there) but has never contested the custody. There is no official visitation agreement other than 6 weeks during the summer (as he lived in Florida) and within reasonable contact. When he has lived in NYS I have always allowed him to see my son and even shared every other weekend and more. When I need childcare assistance he is always the first person I ask, although he often cannot help due to work schedule.

His father is now moving into his own apartment (previously had roommates who now have small children moving in that he is legally not allowed to be around, so he is forced to move out, not doing this simply to pursue custody) and wants 50/50 custody. He called me, under the impression he could ask for two weeks on two weeks off. I explained no judge would grant this, and how generally custody is split in a "normal" circumstance. Also explained that I have no interest in disrupting my son's life as it has been functioning for the past 8-10 years, and that since visitation has never been limited or denied, there is no reason for me to agree. I have handled solely all medical decisions, care, and appointments, have handled all academic progress (my son maintains 85 averages and above and is on the honor roll consistently), work out all extracurricular registrations (he does split financially now, although he did not for years), practices and games (he comes to games and helps with practices if it is convenient for him, but not otherwise). He "wants a normal day to day life" with his son (which I feel for and can empathize) which he feels he cannot have unless he has consistent stretches of time with his son living in his apartment. (I do worry this is about control, his anger and verbal abuse does increase with me when he does not have control over my actions and whereabouts) He also states his son "needs him" now, to be able to discuss things he can't discuss with his mom (I don't buy it, I am very honest and candid with my son, and he has more than sufficient weekly access with his father and can pick up the phone and call at any point).

I guess I'm just wondering what the chances are that a judge would grant him his 50/50 request. Should I go in fully prepared to make a logical, point by point case as to why I do not believe this is in my son's best interest? I have discussed this (openly, gently) with my son and explained that A) he can be honest with me without worry and B) if he wants to weigh in I am willing to consider his desires - but that he does not have the end say in this, the judge does. He is adamant that he wants to continue the living situation as is, but, since his dad is moving closer, maybe add a visitation midweek (2016 he was with him nearly every weekend, since December it has been more like Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon). He does not want his dad to know, and we've agreed that if his dad asks he can continue to just say "I'm not sure what I want right now dad, I don't want to talk about it." and that I will not share his feelings, nor would a judge. Thoughts? I don't think given the combination of legal record, track history, and the status quo that he has much shot, but the slim chance makes me anxious.

Doubtful he gets 50/50 and there is no true 50/50 custody anyway because the kid would be living out of a suitcase. But he could get more visitation. I would expect that's the most he gets.

 

[leslie82]

He lives in Florida.
Let him make his move, and you would be wise NOT to communicate anymore with him.
Communicating with a convicted pedophile (although your child hasn't been harmed YET) would serve no useful purpose in your life, or the life of your child.
Yes, mothers and fathers can be good influences in the life of children, but all mothers and fathers aren't worthy of the title.

That said, here's the good news for you.

An unmarried male who fathers a child has no parental rights until he goes to court, establishes paternity before the court via DNA testing, esgtablishes court ordered child support, and court ordered VISITATION.

You live in NY.
The convicted pedophile lucky for you, lives in Florida.
If he were ever to be granted visitation, he'd probably have to foor the bill both ways for the child to visit.

Personally, I'd be very leery about a convicted pedophile, who was never in my child's life suddenly appearing and screaming about 50/50 custody for a kid he doesn't even know.

You, of course, are free to draw your own conclusions and make your own decisions.

She said sex offender thing wasn't due to anything with a child. Pedophile is someone attracted to someone 13 or under. Pre-pubescent. There is Ephebophilia is the primary or exclusive adult sexual interest in mid-to-late adolescents generally ages 15 to 19. Hebephilia is the strong and persistent adult sexual interest in pubescent (early adolescent) individuals, typically ages 11–14.

Point is not everyone who is on the registry is a pedophile. Some people have been put on there for peeing near a school or a playground. If he did commit some horrible sex crime yes he's a horrible person but doesn't mean he's a pedophile. Especially when she said that it wasn't a crime against a child. I just looked up near where I live and most of them weren't even crimes against a child. One said something about invasion of privacy - nudity. So not everyone who has to register is a pedophile or sexually assaulted a minor. It covers all sex crimes from what I saw.

Also she said that he has been in her son's life when he lived in New York. She gave him visitation. She called him for childcare assistance.

 

[army judge]

She said sex offender thing wasn't due to anything with a child. Pedophile is someone attracted to someone 13 or under. Pre-pubescent. There is Ephebophilia is the primary or exclusive adult sexual interest in mid-to-late adolescents generally ages 15 to 19. Hebephilia is the strong and persistent adult sexual interest in pubescent (early adolescent) individuals, typically ages 11–14.

Point is not everyone who is on the registry is a pedophile. Some people have been put on there for peeing near a school or a playground. If he did commit some horrible sex crime yes he's a horrible person but doesn't mean he's a pedophile. Especially when she said that it wasn't a crime against a child. I just looked up near where I live and most of them weren't even crimes against a child. One said something about invasion of privacy - nudity. So not everyone who has to register is a pedophile or sexually assaulted a minor. It covers all sex crimes from what I saw.

Also she said that he has been in her son's life when he lived in New York. She gave him visitation. She called him for childcare assistance.

Yes, I read her post.
I know what a pedophile is, indeed I surely know what a pedophile is and what one can do.
I choose to classify things as I wish, not as others demand.
There are many reasons I choose do so, which would mean nothing to anyone but me.
Nevertheless, thanks for your input, and your point of view.

 

[canne]

He lives in Florida.
Let him make his move, and you would be wise NOT to communicate anymore with him.
Communicating with a convicted pedophile (although your child hasn't been harmed YET - as far as you KNOW) would serve no useful purpose in your life, or the life of your child.
Yes, mothers and fathers can be good influences in the life of children, but all mothers and fathers aren't worthy of the title.

That said, here's the good news for you.

An unmarried male who fathers a child has no parental rights until he goes to court, establishes paternity before the court via DNA testing, establishes court ordered child support, and court ordered VISITATION.

You live in NY.
The convicted pedophile lucky for you, lives in Florida.
If he were ever to be granted visitation, he'd probably have to foor the bill both ways for the child to visit.

Personally, I'd be very leery about a convicted pedophile, who was never in my child's life suddenly appearing and screaming about 50/50 custody for a kid he doesn't even know.

You, of course, are free to draw your own conclusions and make your own decisions.

Thanks for responding! I should have been more clear - his father relocated back to NY approximately two years ago (there were several bounces back and forth between NY and FL between these times) and has been living with roommates "preventing" him from pursuing custody. He is now obligated to move out of the shared home because his roommate and her children are moving in.

We have a custody order (he's on the birth certificate and has been involved on some level since birth) granting me sole custody and no real specific visitation. I believe the verbiage reads something like "reasonable visitation." We've never followed an exact schedule although the average seems to be 3-6 overnights a month. Not enough involvement or interest in actively increasing involvement that makes me think a jump to 50/50 custody is warranted, or in my son's best interest. He's the "fun" parent that let's the child stay up late and play video games - he's not familiar or really interested in medical care, emotional well-being, or academic work.

He is in no way shape or form a pedophile. A sex offense does not always equate to someone who has harmed a young child, there are different charges and levels. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say that while I find his behavior in the circumstance unacceptable, there were plenty of other circumstances that led to the conviction. None of which lead me to believe my son is in any danger of being molested. I trust my judgement implicitly on this one.

I appreciate your input!

 

[canne]

Doubtful he gets 50/50 and there is no true 50/50 custody anyway because the kid would be living out of a suitcase. But he could get more visitation. I would expect that's the most he gets.

Thanks! What do you mean there is no true 50/50? My impression was that if he were granted split custody it would be something along the lines of 4 days/ 3 days?

I honestly don't mind in theory increased visitation. I want him to be able to see his father as much as he (my son) wants. At the moment we're usually doing one sleepover a week, it has in the past been the entire weekend. If he wanted to do say Friday to Saturday then Tuesday to Wednesday in order to experience a school night/ morning, I would not oppose.

I believe his motivation is that he wants to have solid, uninterrupted chunks of time so it feels like "normal" day to day life - the life my son has been living with me for the last 8-10 years. While I can empathize, he hasn't set himself up well to be in that position, and frankly I don't think it is wise. I'm just hoping a judge will see this up front and perhaps ask for my input then act/ judge on that input, instead of allowing this to move forward to a trial. Also hoping that my son's desire to not have our custody arrangement changed is considered - he's said he'd be happy with a midweek visit if his dad lived closer to us (right now he's about a half hour away). He's most concerned with not losing time with his friends, and since he dad doesn't encourage "playdates" he's worried about that. (He thinks his dad just doesn't like company - he is not aware at all that his dad legally cannot be around his friends).

Thank you so much for answering!

 

[leslie82]

Thanks! What do you mean there is no true 50/50? My impression was that if he were granted split custody it would be something along the lines of 4 days/ 3 days?

I honestly don't mind in theory increased visitation. I want him to be able to see his father as much as he (my son) wants. At the moment we're usually doing one sleepover a week, it has in the past been the entire weekend. If he wanted to do say Friday to Saturday then Tuesday to Wednesday in order to experience a school night/ morning, I would not oppose.

I believe his motivation is that he wants to have solid, uninterrupted chunks of time so it feels like "normal" day to day life - the life my son has been living with me for the last 8-10 years. While I can empathize, he hasn't set himself up well to be in that position, and frankly I don't think it is wise. I'm just hoping a judge will see this up front and perhaps ask for my input then act/ judge on that input, instead of allowing this to move forward to a trial. Also hoping that my son's desire to not have our custody arrangement changed is considered - he's said he'd be happy with a midweek visit if his dad lived closer to us (right now he's about a half hour away). He's most concerned with not losing time with his friends, and since he dad doesn't encourage "playdates" he's worried about that. (He thinks his dad just doesn't like company - he is not aware at all that his dad legally cannot be around his friends).

Thank you so much for answering!

You'll never get a kid spending exactly half the time at one parent's and exactly half the time at another. If that happened the kid would have no true home. Think about it...the kid would live out of a suitcase if he or she spent exactly half and half at each home.