TN DNA testing and visitation transition

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BlynnS

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Tennessee
My husband found out that he has a child (from a girl he didn't exactly have a relationship with) who is now 9. The mother was in a relationship when the baby was born and had that man sign the affidavit of paternity in the hospital. We've known for several years but haven't been able to find an attorney that will even touch the case without a substantial amount upfront. In the past, we've made contact and offered to help out and he has even met her on a couple occasions (he didn't tell the child who exactly he was to her bc we don't want her confused or upset be the news). The problem is everything has been on her terms and bc the mother doesn't want her husband to know (the man that is legally my step daughters father) that she had been in contact with my husband she has refused to ever let or initiate any form of transitioning so that my husband can ever be in her life (even as a "friend" of the family, he seriously just wants to be a part of her life). We have 2 other kids and we don't really have the kind of cash flow that would allow a 5- 10k down payment on an attorney especially after we were told we could be guaranteed even a d.n.a. test bc of the situation. The mother now has us blocked and has had us blocked for a few years. This is not our first time searching for help on this matter but I ran across this page and figured I could try asking someone else again. What can we do? I need to mention that around the time she was born he had a few charges on his record nothing too extreme and his record is clear now. He works full time, has his license and can prove stability or whatever else the court would request. Can someone please help us figure out what steps we should take?
 
In all of the states, that I know about, a man in your hubby's position can ask the state to help.

That means, request a paternity test.

In TN, this agency will arrange the test, and set up child support, if your hubby is the baby daddy.

Establishing Paternity - TN.Gov

Or, call Maury Povich and he'll do it all for free, pay your airfare to New York City area (Stamford, CT), hotel, food allowance, airport transportation, spending money, an appearance fee, and free paternity testing:

Maury Show - Be a Guest

Judge Mathis will do the same thing, too:

Submit Your Case

Worry about any other matters, ONLY if he is the baby daddy, proven by DNA testing.
 
army judge said:
In all of the states, that I know about, a man in your hubby's position can ask the state to help.

That means, request a paternity test.

In TN, this agency will arrange the test, and set up child support, if your hubby is the baby daddy.

Establishing Paternity - TN.Gov

Or, call Maury Povich and he'll do it all for free, pay your airfare to New York City area (Stamford, CT), hotel, food allowance, airport transportation, spending money, an appearance fee, and free paternity testing:

Maury Show - Be a Guest

Judge Mathis will do the same thing, too:

Submit Your Case

Worry about any other matters, ONLY if he is the baby daddy, proven by DNA testing.
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He definitely is. When looking at her there is absolutely no denying who's child she is! And we would never go through Maury (was that a joke?) This is an extremely private matter, one in which a child will have to go through an enormous amount of change in her life once my husband is legally proven to be her father.
 
Well, waiting several years has backfired. It would not require large sums of money to establish paternity, though certainly some choose to hire an attorney. He is not the legal father and the mother calls the shots. Once she is 18, he can ask to be part of her life, whether he admits he likely contributed half her DNA or not.
 
Looks don't establish paternity. I know - my ex's oldest son looks exactly like him still and their baby pictures are 20 years apart so I don't know how he didn't know that was his son the first time he saw him but you need a paternity test.

If he is legally proven to be the father - do you really want to drop that bombshell on her? Is the legal father a good dad? Has he taken care of her and supported her all these years? Then why ruin her life?

If I was the mom I would tell her when she's 18 and let her decide what to do. Honestly. Your husband is a stranger or at the most an acquaintance to her.

Until you get DNA proof - he is nothing to that girl. Sorry but he isn't.
 
leslie82 said:
Looks don't establish paternity. I know - my ex's oldest son looks exactly like him still and their baby pictures are 20 years apart so I don't know how he didn't know that was his son the first time he saw him but you need a paternity test.

If he is legally proven to be the father - do you really want to drop that bombshell on her? Is the legal father a good dad? Has he taken care of her and supported her all these years? Then why ruin her life?

If I was the mom I would tell her when she's 18 and let her decide what to do. Honestly. Your husband is a stranger or at the most an acquaintance to her.

Until you get DNA proof - he is nothing to that girl. Sorry but he isn't.
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Ruin her life? I hardly think letting her have the opportunity to be loved by more family would ruin her life. It's not like we intend to bombard her with everything. We've checked into psychiatrist that will help the transition and we don't intend on requesting over night stays until she has transitioned. She has brothers she's never met and I don't think it's fair to her or them. I understand looking like him legally doesn't make her his which is why I am on this forum asking advice in the first place. We've been to several attorneys and we understand how fragile the situation is because we have kids too and wouldn't want them to feel like their life was being ripped apart. We really want what's best for her which is why we've been back and forth on taking it into a court room. I don't know much about her legal dad other than he signed a birth certificate knowing the child wasn't his and neither he nor the mother gave my husband any opportunity to be there. This would be different had he just been a p.o.s. that chose to not be present. The mother has reached out to my husband before wanting him to know he's the father of her (which is when we started trying to keep contact and help financially etc). We're just at a loss right now. We all love her and want to be in her life but we do understand that it is a process and that's why we're taking the steps to become more educated on what we can do, what we should do and if we should approach it or not.
 
BlynnS said:
Ruin her life? I hardly think letting her have the opportunity to be loved by more family would ruin her life. It's not like we intend to bombard her with everything. We've checked into psychiatrist that will help the transition and we don't intend on requesting over night stays until she has transitioned. She has brothers she's never met and I don't think it's fair to her or them. I understand looking like him legally doesn't make her his which is why I am on this forum asking advice in the first place. We've been to several attorneys and we understand how fragile the situation is because we have kids too and wouldn't want them to feel like their life was being ripped apart. We really want what's best for her which is why we've been back and forth on taking it into a court room. I don't know much about her legal dad other than he signed a birth certificate knowing the child wasn't his and neither he nor the mother gave my husband any opportunity to be there. This would be different had he just been a p.o.s. that chose to not be present. The mother has reached out to my husband before wanting him to know he's the father of her (which is when we started trying to keep contact and help financially etc). We're just at a loss right now. We all love her and want to be in her life but we do understand that it is a process and that's why we're taking the steps to become more educated on what we can do, what we should do and if we should approach it or not.
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You don't know how that bombshell would affect her. Everyone reacts differently.

What if the mother had never told him about this child? Then they wouldn't even know. You know there's a possibility my daughter has half siblings running around out there - the way my ex got around back in the day. I wouldn't be surprised. He thinks there is at least one kid out there who might be his but the mom is not interested in finding out nor is he.

What if she wants nothing to do with your husband, you or her possible half siblings? Are you prepared for that?
 
leslie82 said:
You don't know how that bombshell would affect her. Everyone reacts differently.

What if the mother had never told him about this child? Then they wouldn't even know. You know there's a possibility my daughter has half siblings running around out there - the way my ex got around back in the day. I wouldn't be surprised. He thinks there is at least one kid out there who might be his but the mom is not interested in finding out nor is he.

What if she wants nothing to do with your husband, you or her possible half siblings? Are you prepared for that?
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We absolutely are prepared for that! After being in a situation like this we know there's a possibility that she may be angry, disappointed or happy! We know she could choose to never have anything to do with our family and we would never force her to be apart of our family if that's not what she wanted. The psychiatrist we've spoken to thinks that she can help the transition significantly and has tried to prepare us for the worst case scenario. Right now the choice isnt hers so who's to know what she'd think or how she'd feel. What if we NEVER tried and then she grows up to find out she has a diff. Bio dad and at that point what if she hates him only for not trying to be a part of her life?? Either way we go we take a chance at losing her for good so whether we pursue or wait it out there's a possibility that we will never get to be a part of her life. He doesn't want her to find out about him and think that he never tried to be there for her. He didn't even know about her at first. We can't possibly endure more heartache than feeling like we're not trying hard enough. Parenting doesn't come with a manual for any of us I am still learning every day with my own kids and I know many people that don't speak to their parents now that were actually raised by their parents. What if she feels like something is missing or feels like she doesn't "fit in" the way her life is now. What IF her bio father is the "missing" part to her life... the "what ifs" are endless. I'm not speaking on your ex's case bc sounds to me like that's a Totally different situation than my husbands.
 
BlynnS said:
We absolutely are prepared for that! After being in a situation like this we know there's a possibility that she may be angry, disappointed or happy! We know she could choose to never have anything to do with our family and we would never force her to be apart of our family if that's not what she wanted. The psychiatrist we've spoken to thinks that she can help the transition significantly and has tried to prepare us for the worst case scenario. Right now the choice isnt hers so who's to know what she'd think or how she'd feel. What if we NEVER tried and then she grows up to find out she has a diff. Bio dad and at that point what if she hates him only for not trying to be a part of her life?? Either way we go we take a chance at losing her for good so whether we pursue or wait it out there's a possibility that we will never get to be a part of her life. He doesn't want her to find out about him and think that he never tried to be there for her. He didn't even know about her at first. We can't possibly endure more heartache than feeling like we're not trying hard enough. Parenting doesn't come with a manual for any of us I am still learning every day with my own kids and I know many people that don't speak to their parents now that were actually raised by their parents. What if she feels like something is missing or feels like she doesn't "fit in" the way her life is now. What IF her bio father is the "missing" part to her life... the "what ifs" are endless. I'm not speaking on your ex's case bc sounds to me like that's a Totally different situation than my husbands.
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You need to get the DNA test done before you start planning and thinking about life with her in it. You really do.

Then she will react however she wants to and be a part of the hundreds of kids, if not more, who find out their biological dad is different than the dad who raised them.

Guess what? We found out my dad was not my youngest brother's biological dad when he was 12 after my mom left. His bio dad is the "man" my mother cheated on my dad with and who she is married to now. Guess what? My dad is his dad. He sees the asshat his sperm donor is and he calls him dad but he doesn't like the way he treats our mom. He doesn't like the way he talks to women. He says he loves him but that doesn't mean he has to put up with his shit. He still calls my dad Dad. That is the man who raised him and turned him into the man he is. His sperm donor actually hasn't even met my brother's kid and soon to be second kid he won't meet because he refuses to change the way he acts. He talks about women horribly and is just a douche. So he doesn't get to see his grandkids.

That's just one example of a kid finding out the person who raised them isn't biologically their parent. Some work out. Some don't.

You need to find out if he is actually the biological father first and foremost.
 
leslie82 said:
You need to get the DNA test done before you start planning and thinking about life with her in it. You really do.

Then she will react however she wants to and be a part of the hundreds of kids, if not more, who find out their biological dad is different than the dad who raised them.

Guess what? We found out my dad was not my youngest brother's biological dad when he was 12 after my mom left. His bio dad is the "man" my mother cheated on my dad with and who she is married to now. Guess what? My dad is his dad. He sees the asshat his sperm donor is and he calls him dad but he doesn't like the way he treats our mom. He doesn't like the way he talks to women. He says he loves him but that doesn't mean he has to put up with his shit. He still calls my dad Dad. That is the man who raised him and turned him into the man he is. His sperm donor actually hasn't even met my brother's kid and soon to be second kid he won't meet because he refuses to change the way he acts. He talks about women horribly and is just a douche. So he doesn't get to see his grandkids.

That's just one example of a kid finding out the person who raised them isn't biologically their parent. Some work out. Some don't.

You need to find out if he is actually the biological father first and foremost.
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Again, that story doesn't even come close to relating to what happened with him. And yes obviously I know we need to prove it legally but yet again that's why I'm here. I was looking for positive direction on how we should go about it. Idc about other people's situations bc every one is different. My husband is far from an ass hat and he is a great father and he doesn't expect her to call him dad he's very aware that she has been raised by someone else and he is appreciative of what that man has done to provide. We don't agree with the mothers decision to keep her from him but nevertheless the damage is done when it comes to that. We're "planning" every possible outcome bc WE ARE POSITIVE she is biologically his better to have a plan than to go in head first with no idea what to do or how to approach things. We were just unsure of what to do since the attorneys we've spoken to have told us well will need such a large amount ahead of time. I've done alot of reading today on the links everyone else has left and we are going to go over it together and decide if we should try to reach out once more to try to keep it out of a court room dispute bc we really dont want to enter on the wrong foot but we don't need anymore input, for now. Thank you all.
 
I think you people should leave well enough alone.
 
Okay, sorry we couldn't offer you what you wanted to hear.
Please don't use foul language, insult other posters, etc...

People are trying to help.
If the help isn't sufficient, you need to hire a lawyer.
Tread closed.
 
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