Visitation question(s)

[Bnd28]

I am a now single mother of a 9 month old. My ex was cheating on me and I was blind sighted by it all. I was (and still am) a stay at home mom. It was an agreement between him and I that I would stay home with our child for a year, possibly longer. So I financially depended on him for everything. He would get dressed in his work uniform and pretend to go to work to provide for our family, and use my car, but was actually going to another woman's house. Therefore taking time away from seeing his daughter because he would sleep all day the next day to keep his cover look legit and that he was working all night. He moved into my apartment so being that we broke up, he moved out so I still have a roof over my head for me and my child. He is 34 years old and has three kids to three different women. His first child, who is 16, he has only been in his life for 9 months and has not seen him in years. His second child, (7) he gets every other weekend. Also, the mother of that child had a kid to a previous man (13) and my ex plays "father" to him even though he is not biologically his kid. And now, he has my child, so three biological children, but four total. He has been in countless relationships and his 7 year old has been introduced to 7 different women since his mother and father split. When those two boys would stay at my house every other weekend, they slept on the couch or the floor. I've witnessed his parenting the past 1.5 years and he is not consistent in anything and pretty much allows them to Do whatever they want. He is a sociopath and has serious mental issues. His parents split when he was two, and since then he has broken three families. His brother as well has three kids to three different women and is only in one of the three kids lives. Their whole family is screwed up. He has been picking women over his children since day 1 of his first child. He does not have a house/apartment of his own and always jumps from his girlfriends house to the next girlfriend. And being that he has had so many failed relationships, whose to say this one will last. Then what? He wont have a place to live or a car anymore because he's using her car and living at her house. He has been engaged FOUR times and they all fell through and married once, and got a divorce in 9 months. He has SERIOUS issues. He also does not even have a car. Not does he have anything at all for my baby (clothes, crib, car seat, stroller, bottles etc.) I tried to be cordial with him and make an agreement to let him see our daughter but NOT bring her to his new girlfriends house. Since we broke up 2 months ago this is already his second girlfriend. I do not want my daughter being introduced from girl to girl because that is how he is and will always be. His new girlfriend has two children of her own. So it would be her two girls, his son (my daughters 1/2 brother) and the other son, which is technically not his real son. I do not want my daughter growing up in an environment around all these random women/kids. He also works third shift and sleeps during the day. He is also "on call" every weekend so there is always a 50/50 chance he may be called into work. So basically, I told him I would work with him and let him see her whenever but just take her to a public place, I even offered for him to see her here at my house and that I would leave so that there were no conflicts/hard feelings. He will not accept that and wants to take her to his girlfriends house and keep her for the weekend. Which means there would be 5 kids total there. I called lawyers and was told that I would have to allow him to take her but I just don't see how these valid issues are acceptable? Based on his history of breaking up three out of three families, pretty much abandoned his first child, is not established at all because he's been living off of girlfriend after girlfriend, his work schedule and having no car or anything for my daughter, I would think that is substantial enough to not let him take her for an entire weekend over to this random woman's house he's been with for only 5 weeks. The 13 year old that isn't his biological son, is constantly getting in trouble at school for fighting or bad behavior and last year got suspended because he was smoking marihuana in the bathroom at school. I don't want my daughter around any of them honestly. He has been out of the picture for almost three months and my daughter doesn't even know who he is. He hasn't made any efforts to see her or anything. When we first broke up, he promised to still maintain all the bills and hasn't paid a single bill. I was receiving shut off notices for my UGI and told him about it and he promised to pay it because obviously I need hot water for myself and child. He never did. Two times I needed help because there were emergency situations, one relating to me and the other out daughter. Both times, he was unable to help. Honestly, he is a dead beat father and brings kids into the world only to walk out on them. If he truly cared about being in her life, no stipulations should inhibit him from doing so. So because I am Not allowing him to take her to his new girlfriend of the months house, he won't take her. He is now threatening to take me for custody because I won't agree to his terms. I understand he has parental rights but I would think based on his history, his mental status, his unestablished life, his work schedule and how he left my daughter and I high and dry knowing I depended on him for anything that these things should constitute him being an unfit parent. The past three months he has seen out daughter twice, totaling 1 hour. Countless times I asked him to watch her so I could look for jobs or go work for my friends to get money so I can provide for my daughter and each time he came up with excuses as to why he couldn't but really was just with his girlfriend and once went to the beach. Yet told me he had no money at all to help me out. So I am just wondering what I can do here? He has out me through hell and back and the fact that he is now threatening to take the only thing I have left, my daughter, it's so unbelievable. I dont know what to do at this point and pretty much live every day in fear waiting for some letter in the mail that he's taking me for custody. I don't want to live my life like this. It's sad enough that my daughter already at the age of 6 months has a broken family. I am looking out for her best interest and honestly think it would be to have him out of her life. I want her to have a structured, consistent life and he will not be able to provide that for her. Any advice is appreciated.

 

[disagreeable]

Next time, look at the path behind the one you envision in your future. He does not appear to have changed, based on your stories. He has not returned a broken child to its mom yet, so he is good on that issue. Your daughter is going to be on the fringes of that environment because you chose her father from there.

Do what all the other woman in your situation do, go file for welfare give his name so they can pursue child support and visitation. Get signed up for the nicest free apt you can get, then go hang at a friends until it cones through. Once you get set up in a new place, mind your own business, keep your mouth shut and your legs shut. Raise your baby right. Ignore all those bros so full of themselves thst glide through pickin up the skirts they can. Fall'n four thay game gon roll you on ya back n fill you up back into same place you jus left.

 

[Proserpina]

I am a now single mother of a 9 month old. My ex was cheating on me and I was blind sighted by it all. I was (and still am) a stay at home mom. It was an agreement between him and I that I would stay home with our child for a year, possibly longer. So I financially depended on him for everything. He would get dressed in his work uniform and pretend to go to work to provide for our family, and use my car, but was actually going to another woman's house. Therefore taking time away from seeing his daughter because he would sleep all day the next day to keep his cover look legit and that he was working all night. He moved into my apartment so being that we broke up, he moved out so I still have a roof over my head for me and my child.

Okay.

He is 34 years old and has three kids to three different women. His first child, who is 16, he has only been in his life for 9 months and has not seen him in years. His second child, (7) he gets every other weekend. Also, the mother of that child had a kid to a previous man (13) and my ex plays "father" to him even though he is not biologically his kid. And now, he has my child, so three biological children, but four total.

Alas, none of this is relevant to your situation.

He has been in countless relationships and his 7 year old has been introduced to 7 different women since his mother and father split. When those two boys would stay at my house every other weekend, they slept on the couch or the floor. I've witnessed his parenting the past 1.5 years and he is not consistent in anything and pretty much allows them to Do whatever they want. He is a sociopath and has serious mental issues.

I wouldn't go diagnosing him unless you're qualified to do so.

His parents split when he was two, and since then he has broken three families. His brother as well has three kids to three different women and is only in one of the three kids lives. Their whole family is screwed up. He has been picking women over his children since day 1 of his first child. He does not have a house/apartment of his own and always jumps from his girlfriends house to the next girlfriend. And being that he has had so many failed relationships, whose to say this one will last. Then what? He wont have a place to live or a car anymore because he's using her car and living at her house. He has been engaged FOUR times and they all fell through and married once, and got a divorce in 9 months. He has SERIOUS issues. He also does not even have a car. Not does he have anything at all for my baby (clothes, crib, car seat, stroller, bottles etc.)

In all honesty, he's not obliged to do a darned thing until ordered to do so by the court.

I tried to be cordial with him and make an agreement to let him see our daughter but NOT bring her to his new girlfriends house. Since we broke up 2 months ago this is already his second girlfriend. I do not want my daughter being introduced from girl to girl because that is how he is and will always be. His new girlfriend has two children of her own. So it would be her two girls, his son (my daughters 1/2 brother) and the other son, which is technically not his real son. I do not want my daughter growing up in an environment around all these random women/kids.

That's not going to be your decision - it will be up to the court. And honestly? The court will allow him to be a complete ass to a huge degree.

He also works third shift and sleeps during the day. He is also "on call" every weekend so there is always a 50/50 chance he may be called into work. So basically, I told him I would work with him and let him see her whenever but just take her to a public place, I even offered for him to see her here at my house and that I would leave so that there were no conflicts/hard feelings. He will not accept that and wants to take her to his girlfriends house and keep her for the weekend. Which means there would be 5 kids total there. I called lawyers and was told that I would have to allow him to take her but I just don't see how these valid issues are acceptable? Based on his history of breaking up three out of three families, pretty much abandoned his first child, is not established at all because he's been living off of girlfriend after girlfriend, his work schedule and having no car or anything for my daughter, I would think that is substantial enough to not let him take her for an entire weekend over to this random woman's house he's been with for only 5 weeks.

You'd be incorrect. The courts don't care where he lives - as long as he has a roof over his head, he'll be able to take kiddo wherever he lives.

The 13 year old that isn't his biological son, is constantly getting in trouble at school for fighting or bad behavior and last year got suspended because he was smoking marihuana in the bathroom at school. I don't want my daughter around any of them honestly.

Again this isn't going to be your decision.

He has been out of the picture for almost three months and my daughter doesn't even know who he is. He hasn't made any efforts to see her or anything. When we first broke up, he promised to still maintain all the bills and hasn't paid a single bill. I was receiving shut off notices for my UGI and told him about it and he promised to pay it because obviously I need hot water for myself and child. He never did. Two times I needed help because there were emergency situations, one relating to me and the other out daughter. Both times, he was unable to help. Honestly, he is a dead beat father and brings kids into the world only to walk out on them.

He's not legally obliged to pay anything unless ordered by the court.

If he truly cared about being in her life, no stipulations should inhibit him from doing so. So because I am Not allowing him to take her to his new girlfriend of the months house, he won't take her. He is now threatening to take me for custody because I won't agree to his terms. I understand he has parental rights but I would think based on his history, his mental status, his unestablished life, his work schedule and how he left my daughter and I high and dry knowing I depended on him for anything that these things should constitute him being an unfit parent.

Not even close, I'm afraid.

As long as he's basically not smoking crack while dangling the naked baby outside of the window in -25 weather, he's not LEGALLY unfit.

The past three months he has seen out daughter twice, totaling 1 hour. Countless times I asked him to watch her so I could look for jobs or go work for my friends to get money so I can provide for my daughter and each time he came up with excuses as to why he couldn't but really was just with his girlfriend and once went to the beach. Yet told me he had no money at all to help me out. So I am just wondering what I can do here? He has out me through hell and back and the fact that he is now threatening to take the only thing I have left, my daughter, it's so unbelievable. I dont know what to do at this point and pretty much live every day in fear waiting for some letter in the mail that he's taking me for custody. I don't want to live my life like this. It's sad enough that my daughter already at the age of 6 months has a broken family. I am looking out for her best interest and honestly think it would be to have him out of her life. I want her to have a structured, consistent life and he will not be able to provide that for her. Any advice is appreciated.

The court will allow him to be a parent - even a crappy parent - if that's what he wants.

The standard of "fit" in this country is perhaps depressingly low; you're allowed to be an on-off, crappy parent, to a great degree.

 

[army judge]

Next time, look at the path behind the one you envision in your future. He does not appear to have changed, based on your stories. He has not returned a broken child to its mom yet, so he is good on that issue. Your daughter is going to be on the fringes of that environment because you chose her father from there.

Do what all the other woman in your situation do, go file for welfare give his name so they can pursue child support and visitation. Get signed up for the nicest free apt you can get, then go hang at a friends until it cones through. Once you get set up in a new place, mind your own business, keep your mouth shut and your legs shut. Raise your baby right. Ignore all those bros so full of themselves thst glide through pickin up the skirts they can. Fall'n four thay game gon roll you on ya back n fill you up back into same place you jus left.

I thoughted you doned gaved grate advices, BOSSMAN.


Sent from my iPad3 using Tapatalk HD

 

[Bnd28]

Clearly this advice from both these people don't know what they are talking about. Especially the first one using "hood talk"
Thanks for taking the time to read my story, but I do not agree with either of you and was told otherwise by actual professionals.

 

[mightymoose]

You are not obligated to give him the child for visitation until a court order says so.
From what you say, he does not seem to be a person who is organized and prepared to follow through with a custody dispute but rather more apt to threaten you and argue with you until you give in to demand.
The reasoning you give here will not help you in a custody dispute, but you wouldn't "lose" your child. A court would simply determine fair visitation. The sooner you are working and providing for yourself the better chance you have of retaining custody.
You can choose to do nothing and ignore him and he may go away if he isn't determined enough to follow through with court.
You may also claim welfare benefits and seek child support from him, but doing so will inevitably land you in court for custody/visitation orders.
You have many years to go with this child and you chose the father. The sooner you go through the proper process for support and visitation the better off everyone will be, otherwise he will continue to annoy and harass you for years.

 

[Proserpina]

Clearly this advice from both these people don't know what they are talking about. Especially the first one using "hood talk"
Thanks for taking the time to read my story, but I do not agree with either of you and was told otherwise by actual professionals.

Actual professionals told you what, exactly?

That eventually he'll be allowed unfettered access to his child if that's what he wants?

That's what I thought