What can be done

[mommy123]

My husband has full physical custody of his son and joint legal with his ex girlfriend. The boy is allowed to visit her every other weekend. The court order was made in Jan, and she has not been compliant at all. To make matters worse, my step son was diagnosed with autism last month and I personally feel that she is not capable of taking care of his special needs, even for the weekend. She has always been harassing to us via email and sometimes in person, but we generally blow it off as her attempt to break us apart. But recently, she made a remark that makes us feel like the next time she has visitation with him, shes going to keep him. We went to the court, the police, and CPS asking what would happen in this situation and each place either passed the buck onto another agency or said they were too understaffed to do anything to help us. Is this really true? Does a court order mean nothing anymore? Does anyone know what we can do at this point to ensure his life remains stable? Any help would be greatly appreciated, thank you

 

[lonelyinny]

let dad with with his kids mom

My husband has full physical custody of his son and joint legal with his ex girlfriend. The boy is allowed to visit her every other weekend. The court order was made in Jan, and she has not been compliant at all. To make matters worse, my step son was diagnosed with autism last month and I personally feel that she is not capable of taking care of his special needs, even for the weekend. She has always been harassing to us via email and sometimes in person, but we generally blow it off as her attempt to break us apart. But recently, she made a remark that makes us feel like the next time she has visitation with him, shes going to keep him. We went to the court, the police, and CPS asking what would happen in this situation and each place either passed the buck onto another agency or said they were too understaffed to do anything to help us. Is this really true? Does a court order mean nothing anymore? Does anyone know what we can do at this point to ensure his life remains stable? Any help would be greatly appreciated, thank you

if mom keeps the boy beyond the time shes supposed to have him dad(not you) can file for contempt. you are a legal stranger here with no standing to do anything. let dad deal with his sons mom, your involvement will do him more harm then good. legally anything concerning your stepson is not your business. judges dont like third parties( and thats what you are) getting involved in matters that dont concern them, itll cause the parent a lot of problems.

 

[mommy123]

I'm not trying to file anything for myself, and I know that I have no legal right to be involved in this case, all I'm asking for is advice in what to do, because I find it hard to believe that if she was to take him against court order that he would have to file with the court and then sit around and wait, because pulling him out of school and out of the environment he is used to would be devastating to him due to the autism. I don't understand what the point is in getting the court order if she can do that without the police arresting her.

 

[Proserpina]

My husband has full physical custody of his son and joint legal with his ex girlfriend. The boy is allowed to visit her every other weekend. The court order was made in Jan, and she has not been compliant at all. To make matters worse, my step son was diagnosed with autism last month and I personally feel that she is not capable of taking care of his special needs, even for the weekend. She has always been harassing to us via email and sometimes in person, but we generally blow it off as her attempt to break us apart. But recently, she made a remark that makes us feel like the next time she has visitation with him, shes going to keep him. We went to the court, the police, and CPS asking what would happen in this situation and each place either passed the buck onto another agency or said they were too understaffed to do anything to help us. Is this really true? Does a court order mean nothing anymore? Does anyone know what we can do at this point to ensure his life remains stable? Any help would be greatly appreciated, thank you

How is Mom not being compliant?

HAS she kept your stepson beyond her visitation time?

if she hasn't - why on earth were CPS and the police involved in this civil matter?

 

[mommy123]

CPS and the police are not involved, I simply called and asked what they could do to either prevent her from taking him, or what they could do IF she took him and ran. And to both questions, they said they would do nothing. She isn't compliant because she is supposed to notify us if she is coming or not for her weekends, which she doesn't she just shows up randomly and not at the specified time. She is supposed to have him every other weekend but doesn't come, she has missed over half of her visitations. She has shown up on weekends she was not supposed to have visitations, with out warning, and she lives 2 1/2 hours away. All of this we have been keeping record of, but we haven't done anything as far as going back to court because we felt it was petty and that not much could be said about something being rude, basically. But now he's been diagnosed with autism, and it worries us how she handles him because stability is so important to him and we can tell when she hasn't been following his schedule because he comes back from his visits a different kid. If my husband wanted to go back to court, would he file a petition for mediation or contempt?

 

[Proserpina]

The problem is that Mom isn't in contempt; visitation (once awarded) is a right, not an obligation. The court will not hold her in contempt because she chooses not to utilize that visitation. Dad doesn't have to allow visitation outside of what has been ordered by the court.

Frankly unless Dad can show that Mom's involvement is harming the child - and with an autistic child that's often incredibly difficult because the very nature of the condition is such that he may always have problems with a change in schedule - there really isn't much a court is going to be willing to do.

Dad's job as parent is to help his son deal with these kinds of things.

So, with that said - what exactly is Dad's end goal here?

(And a very gentle and friendly hint - drop the use of "we" in this matter. For once, lonelyinny's post is pretty much accurate; the courts do NOT appreciate a stepparent being too involved )

 

[mommy123]

I cant help but be involved, I am getting harassed by her and her mom, and i support myself, my husband, and my stepson, while the biological mother provides no support even when we ask nicely. Plus I don't see why everyone keeps referring to me as a "third party" because we're not in court here, this is just a forum, I'm just asking questions we both have concerns over. I understand that she doesn't have to utilize her rights for visitation but in regards to a special needs child, the consistency of her visits makes things so much easier then when she comes one weekend and then doesn't come for a month. Plus she argues with us, and I say us because she says this to me as well, and she doesn't get to spend any time with him, yet she doesn't come and see him. Any way, my husband doesn't have an "end goal" persay, he just wants whats best, and neither one of us feel she should not be allowed to see him, but at the same time, we don't want to be harassed over things that have nothing to do with the boy and have her show up without notice.

 

[Proserpina]

Well...look on us as sort of practice for court. We're much kinder and gentler (as a rule.... ) and we'd prefer to get the itty bitty annoying stuff out of the way here before it actually gets to court and y'all get reamed by a Judge. Know what I mean?

Many of us stepparents - ahem, myself included - learned the hard way.

So..back on point.

Is Mom court ordered to pay child support?

When exactly was the child diagnosed?

How old is the child?

Has Mom been made completely aware of the importance of structure in the child's life?

In other words - has she been given a chance? Does she actually 'get it'?

With regards to the harassment issue (which really doesn't fall under harassment in the legal sense), my blunt advice to you is to not even get involved with her yourself; there's a great chance that she feels very threatened by you and honestly you'd be better off not even engaging her. Let her discuss whatever it is she wants to discuss, with Dad. If she calls or emails you directly, simply respond politely with "I think this is something you need to discuss directly with Dad".

Don't give her any reason to be more of a pain in the butt, or to feel threatened.

 

[mommy123]

I appreciate the feedback, but I do not intend to be anywhere near the court in the event they go back to court, so no worries there.
What exactly is considered harassment? She has posted things online using our names, saying things like "I want to cut your @#$#% balls of" on a public site where other people who know my husband can read that, he started conversing with her by email only due to the fact that she would blow up his phone with messages on how much of a bad father he is and this and that. I know that the court can't force someone to be nice but there has to be a limit somewhere right?
His official diagnosis was last month, but everyone has been treating him like like he had autism since he was two, including the mother. She even took him in to get him assessed right before he turned three, but then never followed up on the appointment. It wasn't until she abandoned him with us last September that any real progress was made in regards to getting him professional help. He is about to turn 4 this weekend.

 

[army judge]

Mommy, you're almost a saint.
You're financially shouldering a very big load.

Have you asked that deadbeat you married, why he's stuck you with carrying such a huge load alone?

Then you're being a better mom than his birth mother. God bless you, woman.

But, maybe you wanna have a chat with that creature who's doing a rather poor imitation of a husband and a father! He's a very big part of the problem, much like that poor imitation of a female and mother that he chose to have a child with five years ago!