In regard's to protecting my stepson ......

[momof3tx]

My stepson is 16yrs old now we've always known him to be a great kid and would always come to us with problems and questions .... lately that has not been the case. We first thought this to be him just being a teenager. His ex wife has also been having issues with her current husband and in normal circumstances she has alway's relayed information knowing that her life and decision's affect's her son's life and behavior. They are now divorcing even though she will not tell my husband this they are not living together and my stepson confirm's the situation . He has not been himself at all lately no interest in sport's no interest in really anything until recently we have found that he is interested in smoking marijuanna and drinking alcohol with his mother. and that isnt the worst she has exposed him to a undesirable crowd that she hang's out with at a out of the way location that is known for drug use and heavy drinking parties. What can we do to get him out of this situation in a delacate way with out harming him or making him hate us? We do plan on drug testing him on his next visit and wondering if CPS should be involved and if they would even investigate our CPS here has an awful reputation for letting parent's know when they are coming and what to exspect. which as we all know just solves the problem temporarily. My husband is also in law enforcement and does not know even where to start and is overwhelmed .

 

[jharris352]

I would start by taking her back to court to restrict or eliminate her visitation rights. I would then send him to counseling. You are worried about alienating him, you have already lost that battle. He is alienated. Now you need to get him back under your control. Drastic action is required. As for CPS I almost never suggest you bring them into a situation. It can be handled by you and the courts. CPS has a nasty habit of beating up both parties and never letting go.

 

[luvstexas]

I would start by taking her back to court to restrict or eliminate her visitation rights. I would then send him to counseling. You are worried about alienating him, you have already lost that battle. He is alienated. Now you need to get him back under your control. Drastic action is required. As for CPS I almost never suggest you bring them into a situation. It can be handled by you and the courts. CPS has a nasty habit of beating up both parties and never letting go.

whoa...first of all, OP, please bear in mind that you have no dog in this fight. :no: This is between Mom and Dad. Your overinvolvement could hurt dad's case.
Is Dad the CP or NCP?

As far as eliminating or even restricting her visitation right, DAD is going to need proof of alleged drinking and drug use and that it is in the child's best interests to be removed from mom. DAD and the COURT do not get to unilaterally decide to eliminate visitation.

Has anyone suggested COUNSELING for the teenager instead of just stripping Mom of her visitation rights? That could be more detrimental to the child.
I know you love this kid and all but as a stepparent you are legally irrelevant.

 

[jharris352]

whoa...first of all, OP, please bear in mind that you have no dog in this fight. This is between Mom and Dad. Your overinvolvement could hurt dad's case.
Is Dad the CP or NCP?

Normally I would agree with you luvstexas, but this isn't a normal case. The step mother has every legal right to be involved with the step son. It is true that she will not have standing in court, but she is certainly married to the father and has an interest in the well being of his child. She is not out of line when she is concerned about a 16 year old smoking pot and drinking with his mother. I would think a simple drug test and his statements will be plenty for a Judge to begin questioning the fitness of the mother.

If you read my SECOND SENTENCE I suggested counseling for the 16 year old. But if the Mother is acting egregiously toward her child, I would immediately act to protect the child's interest by stripping the Mother of her visitation rights.

If I didn't know better I would wonder if you aren't the Mother......

 

[luvstexas]

The step mother has every legal right to be involved with the step son.
QUOTE]

You are WRONG. Stepmother has NO legal right to be involved with stepson and it is very dangerous advice you are giving her by saying that. Sure, she can be concerned but she has absolutely NO right to demand a drug test from him, or 'handle' anything with the court. That is for DAD to do.

Stepmother has the right to love, support her stepson and husband but legally, this is between the child's parents, MOM and DAD. OP, please do not take it upon yourself to take anything to court...please leave this up to Dad.

Please answer my question, is Dad the CP or NCP?

Dad will need to prove that it is in the child's best interests to be taken away from Mom. At 16, yes, a judge will take into CONSIDERATION the child's wishes but the child does NOT get to decide where he lives. That is for the court to decide.

ETA: I am a custodial father in TEXAS who is happily married to a woman who is not my son's mother. She is the best thing that could have happened to my son...she loves him, feeds him, clothes him, financially supports him but when it comes to LEGAL decision-making, my wife is NOT involved as she is NOT mom.
OP, I learned this the hard way...please do not take it upon yourself to get involved in a legal case with your stepson. at hearings, stay in the hall, let your husband handle discussions with his attorney and let HIM handle approaching son about drug test. I know you have the kid's best interests at heart but legally, you are NO ONE in this case.

 

[BayState]

Normally I would agree with you luvstexas, but this isn't a normal case. The step mother has every legal right to be involved with the step son. It is true that she will not have standing in court,

Actually if she has no standing in court, then she has no LEGAL rights. She may have MORAL rights, as DAD may give her, but no rights to pursue this in court.

 

[jharris352]

I'm not going to argue about her legal rights. When she married her husband she obtained legal rights over what goes on in her home. I was quite clear in stating that she has no legal standing in the custody or visitation matters. However, when she married the man she became part of the family and she certainly has the right to ask questions here.

No one said that she has standing to make legal decisions. If you would read my post I specifically said she did NOT have legal standing. She certainly has a voice in the family though and if she wants to do research and discuss it with her husband she has every right to do so.

You really need to chill out. I know you are quite passionate about this but anyone, including the POSTMAN that delivers mail to the house has the right to make a referral to CPS if they suspect something is amiss with the child.

 

[luvstexas]

I'm not going to argue about her legal rights. When she married her husband she obtained legal rights over what goes on in her home. I was quite clear in stating that she has no legal standing in the custody or visitation matters. However, when she married the man she became part of the family and she certainly has the right to ask questions here.

No one said that she has standing to make legal decisions. If you would read my post I specifically said she did NOT have legal standing. She certainly has a voice in the family though and if she wants to do research and discuss it with her husband she has every right to do so.

You really need to chill out. I know you are quite passionate about this but anyone, including the POSTMAN that delivers mail to the house has the right to make a referral to CPS if they suspect something is amiss with the child.

So first you said NOT to get CPS involved and now you're saying that anyone has every right to report to CPS if "something is amiss"? Very misleading....

In your second post, you said she had every legal right to be involved with her stepson and now you say you were clear that she had no legal standing. Why did you suggest she restrict or eliminate mom's rights? Why did you say she needs to get the stepson back under her control and that this could be handled between her and the courts? If you meant that these are the steps DAD should take, then you should revise your post to say that.

Also, please don't confuse the household with family. Legally, her stepson is NOT her family, regardless of how long she's been married to Dad. If she was concerned about drug use in HER home, that would be a different story. But her concerns are not with the household or having the son in the house...she clearly said she is concerned with what is going on at MOM'S house.
Frankly, that's no one's business except Mom and Dad's.

Texas courtrooms do NOT go easy on 3rd parties who interfere. OP needs to be very careful about how involves she gets with this issue with her stepson.

I do NOT mean to be a smart-a** or rude to you. Seriously, I do not. But I have had my rear-end handed to me in court and it just floored me when I read your first response to OP. Stepparents really have no place in custody issues.

 

[jharris352]

I do NOT mean to be a smart-a** or rude to you. Seriously, I do not. But I have had my rear-end handed to me in court and it just floored me when I read your first response to OP. Stepparents really have no place in custody issues.

Let me be clear, I agree with you. As I said in one of my posts, she has no standing IN COURT. HERE however, she has every right to ask and be a part of her family. As long as she is just helping her husband out of concern for her step son I don't have a problem with her coming here doing research for him.

I assumed that if the 16 year old were contacted to do a drug test it would be by the father or both the father and the step mother. If you object to that advice I agree that only the Father has that legal right to force a drug test on his son.

I suppose my advice is not clear and I apologize for that. Many step parents or girlfriends are attacked her for asking questions because usually they are annoyed by the children. This is not the case here. She seems to generally be concerned for her step son.

So, to be very clear, she has no standing IN COURT and I would assume she has no real power over the child even at home except that the Father would probably back her up. I am GENERALLY against the idea of getting CPS involved in anything that is not quite egregious because the government always seems to over do or under do things.

HOWEVER, if this Mother is encouraging Illegal drug use with her 16 year old son, I would be cautiously for the idea of getting CPS involved. I would not advise the Step Mother to do that without the Father's knowledge and consent, but it certainly is an option before you allow your child to do drugs with his Mother.

By the way, I didn't answer the CP and NCP question because I don't know. I assumed from the OP that the Father is the CP and the Mother is the NCP.

So I hope we are all cool now!

 

[luvstexas]

Let me be clear, I agree with you. As I said in one of my posts, she has no standing IN COURT. HERE however, she has every right to ask and be a part of her family. As long as she is just helping her husband out of concern for her step son I don't have a problem with her coming here doing research for him.

I assumed that if the 16 year old were contacted to do a drug test it would be by the father or both the father and the step mother. If you object to that advice I agree that only the Father has that legal right to force a drug test on his son.

I suppose my advice is not clear and I apologize for that. Many step parents or girlfriends are attacked her for asking questions because usually they are annoyed by the children. This is not the case here. She seems to generally be concerned for her step son.

So, to be very clear, she has no standing IN COURT and I would assume she has no real power over the child even at home except that the Father would probably back her up. I am GENERALLY against the idea of getting CPS involved in anything that is not quite egregious because the government always seems to over do or under do things.

HOWEVER, if this Mother is encouraging Illegal drug use with her 16 year old son, I would be cautiously for the idea of getting CPS involved. I would not advise the Step Mother to do that without the Father's knowledge and consent, but it certainly is an option before you allow your child to do drugs with his Mother.

By the way, I didn't answer the CP and NCP question because I don't know. I assumed from the OP that the Father is the CP and the Mother is the NCP.

So I hope we are all cool now!

Yeah we cool! I know where you were going with the advice but you wouldn't believe how many steps out there think they were totally within their rights to have a hand in the legal affairs of their stepchildren. What's sad is most, like OP, are genuinely trying to help and then they're stunned with a judge strips custody and gives it to the other parent.

Whether Dad is the CP or NCP is important. But I guess OP never came back to answer our questions...

OP, I don't think Mom's divorce has any bearing on the issue and I think you should not even bring that up anymore. It's none of your business what goes on in Mom's marriage. It might very well be that the son is having a hard time with his mother's divorce and needs help coping with it.

OP's first post did not indicate that she had any proof that Mom was encouraging son to smoke pot and drink. I didn't even read that the son confirmed this...the only thing he was able to confirm to Dad and stepmom was her divorce.

Aside from all that, the kid is 16. He does NOT need mom to encourage him to smoke pot and drink. Not saying he's lying but from the stepmom's POV, I'm sure it's easy to point the finger at Mom given that she's going through a tough time right now. It's easy to assume SHE is the one dragging her son down with her because she's getting a divorce. He may very well be doing this all on his own but won't fess up to it. Either way, Dad is going to have to go into that courtroom prepared if he's seeking a change in custody or restricted visitation. Just a sad situation overall...

 

[jharris352]

Believe me, I'm divorced and though I'm ok with her BF I bristle whenever he acts parental. I TOTALLY understand, and I"m learning to deal with it to.

Back when he first showed up I pulled up his Myspace account and found my 4 year old daughter on his pictures with the Caption: My New Little Girl.

Fortunately I was quite a distance away or I would have been at the front door and likely been arrested.

We have a much better understanding of what is and what isn't acceptable now. It takes a bit of getting use to though.

 

[luvstexas]

Believe me, I'm divorced and though I'm ok with her BF I bristle whenever he acts parental. I TOTALLY understand, and I"m learning to deal with it to.

Back when he first showed up I pulled up his Myspace account and found my 4 year old daughter on his pictures with the Caption: My New Little Girl.

Fortunately I was quite a distance away or I would have been at the front door and likely been arrested.

We have a much better understanding of what is and what isn't acceptable now. It takes a bit of getting use to though.

It's a sticky situation overall. My son's mother is about as sorry as they come. I've had everything under the sun hurled at me and my wife in terms of child abuse charges, CPS showing up at our door, name calling during exchanges, phone calls to my wife demanding to know where I am, etc, etc.
I made the mistake of making my wife Mommy after she had spend a lot of time around our son. She was/is the only real female figure in his life. She's the one who reads to him at night, buys his clothes, takes him to bday parties...Mom is too busy going out and getting knocked up by other men. My mindset was, this is the person raising my son, she is Mommy. Boy was I a fool for taking that mindset in a courtroom. I didn't lose custody but a judge pretty much chewed me out for doing that and threatened that he would if I continued to alienate my son from his mother like that. So I learned my lesson quick.

BTW, I hope the BF treats your daughter well. I really hate that my ex can't see how awesome my wife is with our son because in reality, she really doesn't have to be anything to our son.