Motion to Modify Child Custody

[leslie82]

At this point that is all I feel I can do. My attorney, after hearing my side of the story, felt that I should file my own motion to modify. I just worry that his father and I are wasting thousands of dollars but nor nothing productive to come of it. What is the general way that things progress from here, the timeline from the time of being served a motion to modify?

My attorney has already submitted that we can not come to an agreement on the requested changes and filed our own motion to modify two weeks ago. My ex-husband and his lawyer responded and it appears as though the only things we can agree on are the name and date of birth of our child. We can't even agree on which towns our son has resided in the custody of each parent for the previous three years. My ex-husband has listed only one town but has truly lived in three different ones (as have I, admittedly). I wasn't sure why he was dishonest so I asked him, and now have a text message stating the truth, which seems strange to me.



So would it be unwise to mention that my ex-husband corporally punishes his child and that I do not agree with this form of punishment? What about the fact that he is a tobacco smoker? Is cannabinoid screening even a consideration anymore?

I have a text message five months after school started in which my ex-husband asked me what time school was released, is that at all useful? Medically, I have records showing that I have attended all medical appointments in the past six years and that he has been to two, but once again, I am not sure what the court would bother to look at.

As far as education, should I gather school documents showing how excellent he is doing in school, perhaps a letter from his teacher, report cards, quiz scores, etc.?

I am a director of nursing and know the importance of my child taking Singulair every day, and have texts where his father admits to forgetting to give it to him during the few nights of the week he is with him. But once again I really don't want to bash my ex-husband, so I am not sure if this is worth mentioning to my lawyer. Perhaps I could acquire a physician's note stating the importance of the daily use of this medication.

Corporal punishment is still legal in the home in all 50 states. Most states say it has to be reasonable and can't be excessive. Parents discipline differently. Unless there are obvious signs of abuse (marks, bruises, injuries) I don't think that will get you very far. Is it like actual corporal punishment or spanking? If you think he's being abused report it.

There's nothing that says a parent can't smoke tobacco. He shouldn't do it around the child but that's nothing a judge can control. Why would the court order him to be screened for marijuana? Does he have a history of it - as in convicted of some crime involving it? Courts don't usually order that very often and it seems like if they did there would have to be a history of it.

What's the big deal he asked when school got out? Why do you ask if that would be useful? Useful for what?

You should bring up the importance of medication. That should be in the order somewhere already.

I would just talk to the lawyer you are paying to see what the next move is. Don't bash him in court. Your lawyer will present the status of the child and how it's been in the current schedule. Your ex or his lawyer will have to prove there's a need to modify for more visitation. Don't worry about what he does. Don't bash him.

 

[Harmony163]

Corporal punishment is still legal in the home in all 50 states. Most states say it has to be reasonable and can't be excessive. Parents discipline differently. Unless there are obvious signs of abuse (marks, bruises, injuries) I don't think that will get you very far. Is it like actual corporal punishment or spanking? If you think he's being abused report it.

Thank you, I have requested in my motion to modify that neither party use corporal punishment to discipline our son. I can sense that my son fears his father, and there is a fine line between that and respecting a parent. There is a reason that he has never requested more time with his dad, and only requested to not have to spend some nights with him, and I believe that is a big component, my son is very sensitive. He has never had a problem responding to verbal discipline.

There's nothing that says a parent can't smoke tobacco. He shouldn't do it around the child but that's nothing a judge can control. Why would the court order him to be screened for marijuana? Does he have a history of it - as in convicted of some crime involving it? Courts don't usually order that very often and it seems like if they did there would have to be a history of it.

Very true, I am just trying to find areas of exploitation to retain the current custody schedule in the interest of my child, I realize these are likely futile to explore. He doesn't have a criminal history but is an avid pot smoker.

What's the big deal he asked when school got out? Why do you ask if that would be useful? Useful for what?

To show the lack of involvement of the father and that granting 50% timeshare would be far from prudent. He asked when school was dismissed after half of the year had gone by. But in truth he doesn't want more time with his son, he never has, it is his girlfriend that has been driving this entire situation which is rather frustrating to me. I have known my ex-husband for almost twenty years, and she has known him for not even two years: I can tell when she is using his phone to text message me, it truly appalls me.

I would just talk to the lawyer you are paying to see what the next move is. Don't bash him in court. Your lawyer will present the status of the child and how it's been in the current schedule. Your ex or his lawyer will have to prove there's a need to modify for more visitation. Don't worry about what he does. Don't bash him.

Good advice, thank you so much. And that exactly my point: that there is absolutely no need for more visitation. I do not understand how he can be lying about the significant changes while conveniently excluding the truth which is that now he has a girlfriend who is highly insecure and wants a family of her own as her biological clock keeps ticking. It would be easy to think that I am being insanely biased because this is the girlfriend of my ex-husband that I am referring to, but that is simply not true in this case, he has had several girlfriends who I had consistently favorable interactions with.

When a couple gets divorced when a child is, for example, ten years old then I could completely understand a 50/50 schedule, because that is what that child is accustomed to. Our child was 6 months old at the time of our divorce and my ex-husband wanted nothing to do with our child. He was unable to wake up during a single night to help with our toddler and wanted to have his freedom as a single man after our split up. I allowed him a significant cut in his child support as an incentive for more time with my son. I am not sure what makes him think he should disrupt a happy, healthy child's life who does not want changes to his schedule, his child made that very apparent to him and he actively denies the validity of his son's feelings and desires. I understand that my child is much lower maintenance now and more convenient for my ex-husband to care for now that the hardest phases of raising this child have subsided, but there is truly no need for modification when considering the best interests of the child.

Thank you for your guidance!

 

[Disabled Vet]

Honestly, I would hate to be your child. You are messing with this little boy mind BIG TIME. You have shown that your only problem is not being able to have direct in person/ voice connect with the father. You sound like a nightmare to deal with. Maybe this is why the father has taken this approach with you. The girl friend wouldn't push the issue unless the FATHER has been given grief by you. He is playing it smart by keeping his distance from your attempt to control this. Sadly there is a little boy paying the price for your actions. There is nothing wrong with a few slaps on the butt if a child acts out. I spanked my child a total of 3 times each. One is entering medical school this fall. One will graduate with honors next year. Both have been on full ride tution because of their grades. You haven't said ONE thing that states this man isn't as good as a parent as you think you are. Sadly..... We are not raising men anymore. You keep saying... You ALLOWED, YOU did this or that.... YOU....YOU....YOU.... It's not about you. Let's be honest here. You don't have jack to do with it. The courts are now in control of what is best for the child. You as a parent have lost total control over your child since your divorce. Others must make the decisions about the child because the mother/father can't do it correctly. I pray your child grows up without having to be on drugs for mental issues.

 

[Harmony163]

Honestly, I would hate to be your child.

The prospect of being taken away from me is certainly unsettling, and I will only introduce information to him as is necessary when a court makes their decision.

You sound like a nightmare to deal with.

I have done so much for my ex-husband, it is truly disgusting. Helping him out of tens of thousands of credit card debt, taking my son for extra time when he was a toddler and difficult to deal with, providing health insurance because he refused to pay for his own while our divorce was pending. The list goes on, and these are all things that I take responsibility for, I was with someone who dragged me down for nearly a decade, and I am still paying the price. I want nothing but for my child's life to be uninterrupted, my child is my number one priority in life.

The girl friend wouldn't push the issue unless the FATHER has been given grief by you.

That is an unpleasant assumption, and grossly erroneous.

There is nothing wrong with a few slaps on the butt if a child acts out.

One does not need to garner respect/authority through violent means. That approach may work for some children but is not necessary for our son. He is exceedingly intelligent and responds well to verbal commands.

You haven't said ONE thing that states this man isn't as good as a parent as you think you are.

Because I never made that assertion.

It's not about you.

I agree, I am fighting for my son, and my ex-husband is fighting for the wishes of his girlfriend, it is crystal clear if you have experienced the entirety of this situation first-hand.

You as a parent have lost total control over your child since your divorce.

That is false, I have never lost total control, I have however lost much control in the past year in light of his insecure and controlling girlfriend.

I pray your child grows up without having to be on drugs for mental issues.

Thank you, disabled vet.

 

[leslie82]

Thank you, I have requested in my motion to modify that neither party use corporal punishment to discipline our son. I can sense that my son fears his father, and there is a fine line between that and respecting a parent. There is a reason that he has never requested more time with his dad, and only requested to not have to spend some nights with him, and I believe that is a big component, my son is very sensitive. He has never had a problem responding to verbal discipline.



Very true, I am just trying to find areas of exploitation to retain the current custody schedule in the interest of my child, I realize these are likely futile to explore. He doesn't have a criminal history but is an avid pot smoker.



To show the lack of involvement of the father and that granting 50% timeshare would be far from prudent. He asked when school was dismissed after half of the year had gone by. But in truth he doesn't want more time with his son, he never has, it is his girlfriend that has been driving this entire situation which is rather frustrating to me. I have known my ex-husband for almost twenty years, and she has known him for not even two years: I can tell when she is using his phone to text message me, it truly appalls me.



Good advice, thank you so much. And that exactly my point: that there is absolutely no need for more visitation. I do not understand how he can be lying about the significant changes while conveniently excluding the truth which is that now he has a girlfriend who is highly insecure and wants a family of her own as her biological clock keeps ticking. It would be easy to think that I am being insanely biased because this is the girlfriend of my ex-husband that I am referring to, but that is simply not true in this case, he has had several girlfriends who I had consistently favorable interactions with.

When a couple gets divorced when a child is, for example, ten years old then I could completely understand a 50/50 schedule, because that is what that child is accustomed to. Our child was 6 months old at the time of our divorce and my ex-husband wanted nothing to do with our child. He was unable to wake up during a single night to help with our toddler and wanted to have his freedom as a single man after our split up. I allowed him a significant cut in his child support as an incentive for more time with my son. I am not sure what makes him think he should disrupt a happy, healthy child's life who does not want changes to his schedule, his child made that very apparent to him and he actively denies the validity of his son's feelings and desires. I understand that my child is much lower maintenance now and more convenient for my ex-husband to care for now that the hardest phases of raising this child have subsided, but there is truly no need for modification when considering the best interests of the child.

Thank you for your guidance!

The bolded - that concerns me. Greatly. Corporal punishment isn't illegal so I don't know that a judge is going to sign off on "no corporal punishment" in a court order. Maybe your lawyer knows the judge and would speak to it better. I don't know. But the fact you claim to be exploiting areas in the "best interest" of your child is very dangerous. It doesn't sound like you have your kid's best interest. That's just perception based on what you wrote as I don't know you. Perception is key...

Do you have proof he smokes pot? I doubt it so bringing that up without any drug convictions is going to hurt you.

It sounds like you're both playing games with your kid as the pawn and that's dangerous and disgusting quite honestly.

 

[Harmony163]

It sounds like you're both playing games with your kid as the pawn and that's dangerous and disgusting quite honestly.

It is thoroughly disgusting.

I have been put into "check" and thus forced to make a move and doing the best that I know how to in the midst of my current life situation and the mental faculties and resources I have to utilize.

Often in life, we fail to recognize the optimal move until we reflect on things in hindsight, and then it becomes 20/20, my job is to make sure that isn't the case.

 

[cynthiag]

You know, the more you go on about the girlfriend, the more you begin to sound like there's a lot more going on in your head than just the well-being of your child. Of course I don't know any of you, but I've seen a lot of situations like this and it does very often come down to the fact that it's all about the loss of control in a situation that one individual previously felt very much in control of and the fact that they want to keep the upper hand in the balance of power. In certain ways, I can understand how the loss of control in every single situation with your son must frighten you, because from what you've said, it's all been done your way since your son was a baby, and it sounds like this is the first time you've been challenged to relinquish some of the control you've always had over the situation.

Your continued insistence that it's basically all his girlfriend's fault you've been put into this position to begin with weakens your argument that you're only doing this with your child's best interests in mind. You said in an earlier post that before this girlfriend came along, you had a great friendship and co-parenting relationship with your ex, but I wonder if he would describe it the same way. I wonder if he was going with the flow and trying to keep things on an even keel to placate you, knowing you had a need to be in control and that if he tried to exert himself you would be upset and possibly try to restrict the time he was allowed to spend with his son. I wonder if having this girlfriend on his side actually is what helped him to see that things could be done differently so that he was allowed more time with his child. Time that he wanted to spend with his son without you there, because face it, if you both enjoyed spending that much time together, you probably wouldn't be divorced to begin with.

In an earlier post, you said something along the lines that your ex was willing to hurt you in order to prove something to his girlfriend, so that tells me that you are focusing a lot on how all of this makes you feel, rather than simply focusing on what is best for your child.

I know it's difficult, because we all want to think that we are the absolute best thing for our children and that the way we are raising them is the be-all and end-all of the way they should be parented. But at some point there needs to be a compromise if you want your son to have a good relationship with his father, as I believe you said earlier. And by good relationship, I mean a relationship that they forge themselves and that doesn't involve you. It may not be the exact relationship that you have with your son, but that's to be expected, since everyone is different and relates to other people differently, as well as having different parenting styles. Children have different types of relationships with each parent even if they live in the same home.

I hope you can come to a point where you are willing to loosen your grip a little bit, and understand that your son needs to be able to see his father and have a relationship with him that isn't filtered through your perception of what their relationship should be.