100 Hilarious Jokes, Because No One Is Too Old to Laugh!

Redneck vasectomy:
After having their 11th child, a couple from Alabama decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The dr. told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The dr. instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to another dr. in Ga. to get a second opinion. The second dr. was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Alabama. The dr. instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it up to his ear and count to ten. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count "1, 2, 3, 4, 5. . . ," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs & resumed counting on his other hand
 
adjusterjack said:
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DOC BROWN: Roads? Where we're going, chickens don't need roads.

CIA AGENT: It was a cover up. We have proof that the chicken crossed the road, then crossed back to his original position. That double crosser!
Click to expand...
So true
 
A man walks into a bar

The man
1 beer please

Bar tender

Sure but what's going on in your personal life?

The man

Not much it's just that my wife and 3 kids died yesterday

Bar tender

Love to hear it

The man

What the ****

Bar tender

Oh shoot I made him angry…
 
The Mood Ring
A person was having a rough day and bought a mood ring to help identify emotions. Unfortunately, it fell down the sink drain. Now there is absolutely no idea how to feel about it.
The Parallel Lines
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
The Penguin and the Mechanic
A penguin was driving a car through the desert when it suddenly broke down. After coasting into a nearby auto repair shop, the mechanic said it would take about an hour to find the problem.
The penguin waddled across the street to an ice cream shop. Since penguins lack thumbs, eating a vanilla cone turned into a messy disaster, leaving white cream all over the penguin's face.

An hour later, the penguin returned to the shop and asked for the verdict. The mechanic looked up and said, "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin quickly wiped the face and replied, "Oh, no, that's just some vanilla ice cream
Eat your veggies
What did the th cabbage say when the bull y dropped him

"He finally lettuce go"
 

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