100 Hilarious Jokes, Because No One Is Too Old to Laugh!

A cowboy is kidnapped by bandits. After taking him back to their hideout, they tell the cowboy that they're going to execute him at noon the next day and ask him if he has any last requests. The cowboy simply requests to talk to his horse. So the bandits escort the cowboy to the horse. The cowboy takes the horse by the ear, leans in close, and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse rears up, lets out a grand whinny, and gallops away. The bandits shrug and take the cowboy back inside as night begins to fall.

The next morning, the bandits and the cowboy wake up to find that the horse has returned with a beautiful maiden astride it. The bandits marvel at this incredible feat, and begin to wonder if the cowboy possesses the ability to communicate with horses. The bandits say, "Mister, that's a real cool hoss you got there. Now, since you're such a cool guy, we're gonna let you live one more night." The bandits go to bed, and let the cowboy sleep with the beautiful maiden.

The next morning, the bandits insist that they really do have to kill him at noon, and they ask him if he has any other last requests. Once more, the cowboy requests to talk to his horse. So they escort the cowboy to his horse, he whispers something in its ear, and it gallops away. The bandits shrug again, take the cowboy back inside, and eat breakfast. Around noon, as the bandits are leading the cowboy outside to be executed, they find that the horse has once again returned. A woman even more beautiful than the last sits atop. Once again, the bandits marvel at man and horse. They tell him that if he can get the horse to bring each of them a woman, they'll let him live one more day. He accepts the offer. So the bandits go to their beds and the cowboy goes to bed with the two women.

The bandits wake up the cowboy in the morning and tell him that this time, they really ARE going to kill him at noon, regardless of the quantity and/or quality of babes the horse brings back. So they ask him if he has any last requests. The cowboy requests to talk to his horse one last time. So the bandits escort him to his horse. One last time, the cowboy takes his horse by the ear, leans in real close, and screams "A POSSE, YOU IDIOT! I SAID TO BRING ME A POSSE!"

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they arrive, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere.

It's almost impossible not to step on a duck. Despite their best efforts, on the first day, the first woman accidentally steps on a duck.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she has ever seen. He chains the two of them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next week, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter appears with another extremely ugly man and chains them together.

The third woman has been watching all this and is determined not to make the same mistake. She becomes very, very careful where she steps.

Months go by without incident.

Then one day, St. Peter approaches her with the most handsome man she has ever seen: tall, muscular, thin, with long eyelashes.

Without saying a word, St. Peter chains them together.

The woman is thrilled.

"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity!"

The man looks at her and says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

stealthy1 said:

The Female Quotient® (@femalequotient) on Threads

“You tend to become rather invisible as you get older.” This funny video taps into an uncomfortable truth: many women feel increasingly unseen as they age. In fact, 70% of women report feeling overlooked socially and professionally after 50. It shows up in meetings, everyday interactions and a...

www.threads.com

Click to expand...

I've enjoyed being unseen and unheard, especially upon my formal retirement. Heck, I love everything about being retired, such as: no more stupid meetings, no more whining, kvetching, subordinates; plus I get MORE moola from retirement, than I did for working, especially overtime. No way would I ever allow myself to be used/abused by working for wages/salary.

stealthy1 said:

The Female Quotient® (@femalequotient) on Threads

“You tend to become rather invisible as you get older.” This funny video taps into an uncomfortable truth: many women feel increasingly unseen as they age. In fact, 70% of women report feeling overlooked socially and professionally after 50. It shows up in meetings, everyday interactions and a...

www.threads.com

Click to expand...

That was a scream! (pun intended!)

Helen Mirrem would have been perfect as the sweet lady of a certain age!

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance."

The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles.

It's unbelievable

The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.

The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died."

The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

I heard this one watching a Prime movie:

Q> Do you know why blind people don't like to skydive?

A> It scares their dogs.


Now... guess what movie I'm watching!

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up. My wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local shopping center:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

June 15: Randomly placed boxes of condoms and/or pregnancy tests in other people's carts.

June 21: Took bicycles for a "test drive."

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 10: Set up a valet parking sign in front of the shopping center.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a "CAUTION – WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told children he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into a security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

September 23: Organized shopping cart races.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna Look" using different sizes of funnels.

October 13: Asked a clerk, while holding a box of condoms, where the fitting room was.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!".

October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" One of the clerks passed out.