100 Hilarious Jokes, Because No One Is Too Old to Laugh!

The chief commissioner gathers the three remaining candidates and presents them with the final test. They must look at a suspect's mugshot for just a few seconds and then explain how they would recognize that suspect in a crowd.

The first candidate comes in, the commissioner shows him the photo, and after a moment, he says, "It's easy! The suspect has only one ear and one eye, so he's easy to spot." The commissioner replies, "Are you stupid? That's a side photo! Get out of here right now!"

The second candidate comes in, sees the photo, and after a few seconds says, "It's easy! The suspect has only one ear and one eye, so he's easily distinguishable in a crowd." The commissioner gets angry again and says, "You're an idiot too! Get out of here!"

The third candidate enters, and the commissioner warns him, "Be careful, because the others were really unqualified." He shows the photo to the third candidate, who thinks for a moment and then says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The commissioner is amazed because he doesn't even remember if the suspect actually wore contact lenses, so he goes to check the records. He confirms that it's true, and then he returns to the candidate and says, "Congratulations, you've become a detective! But I have to ask, how did you know that he wore contact lenses?"

The candidate replies, "Well, with only one ear and one eye, it's hard to wear glasses!"
 
An apple pie in the U.S. Virgin Islands is $8. A cherry pie in Jamaica is $6. A peach pie in Barbados is $4.50.

Just thought you'd like to know the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
 
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?" The horse replies "no I don't think I am..." and vanishes out of existence.


The joke involves Descartes' famous quip "I think therefore I am" but to explain that at the beginning of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.
 
A man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
 
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you.'" Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot. "Yep!", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'" The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "I'm Moses.." replied the bird. '"Moses?'" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people that would name their pit bull Jesus."
 
A phone call to the veterinarian:

"My mother-in-law will be coming to you soon with her old female dog. Unfortunately, it looks like she will have to be put down due to very poor health conditions in recent days. Can you do something that she doesn't suffer, and dies peacefully?"

Veterinarian: "And will the dog find the way back home on its own?"
 
This one made me groan, but I like it.

Back in the 1950s, cowboy star Roy Rogers bought a brand-new pair of expensive cowboy boots. Cowboy boots are notoriously stiff when they're new so Roy spent all morning oiling and working the leather to try to soften them up a bit. He then took them out onto the back porch to dry in the sunlight while he commenced with the rest of his chores around the ranch. Later that afternoon when Roy returned home, he found that a mountain lion had snuck down out of the hills and had mauled and gnawed the ever-living crap out of his new, prized boots. Well Roy was so mad he was fit to spit. He went inside and grabbed his hunting rifle and whistled for his dog Bullet. He and Bullet jumped in the ranch jeep and headed up into the hills to hunt down that no-good puma. Well after tramping around for a bit Bullet picked up the mountain lion's scent and before you knew it Roy had him in his sights. Well, one quick shot later the dead cat was tied across the hood of the Jeep and Roy headed back down to the ranch. When he pulled up in front of the house, his wife, Dale Evans, came outside and exclaimed, "Pardon me Roy? Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
 
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.

The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!
 
Okay...Heard this one on a movie last night. paraphrasing just a tiny bit.

2 guys are walking in the woods and come across a giant bear.
One guy gets on his knees to pray.
2nd guy kneels down to tie his boots.
1st guy says to the 2nd...why aren't you praying? You can't hope to outrun the bear!!

2nd guy says..."I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
 
There was an agent overseas and happened to be in Ireland. And there was an emergency, and it was necessary to contact him immediately. So, they called in another agent, and they said, ``Now, you'll go there. His name is Murphy, and your recognition will be to say, `'Tis a fair day, but it'll be lovelier this evening.'''

So, he went to Ireland, a little town in Ireland, into the pub, elbowed himself up to the bar, ordered a drink, and then said to the bartender, ``How would I get in touch with Murphy?'' And the bartender says, ``Well, if it's Murphy the farmer you want, it's 2 miles down the road, and it's the farm on the left.'' He said, ``If it's Murphy the bootmaker, he's on the second floor of the building across the street. And,'' he says, ``my name is Murphy.''

So, the agent picked up the drink, and he said, ``Well, 'tis a fair day, but it'll be lovelier this evening.''

``Oh,'' the bartender said, ``it's Murphy the spy you want. Well, he's sitting right over there in the corner."
 
The rabbit and the carrot were close friends for decades. One day they are walking along and a speeding car jumps the curb and runs over the carrot. A crowd gathers, an ambulance comes, the carrot is rushed to the hospital where doctors and nurses work on the carrot for many, many hours while the rabbit is pacing back and forth in the waiting area. Finally the doctor comes out. The rabbit rushes to the doctor "Doctor, doctor, how's my friend?" The doctor says "Your friend survived, but he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
 
A 70 year old woman gets a face lift and a boob job and is feeling like a million bucks.

When the bandages come off she goes to a walk and stops the first guy she sees on the street, "How old do you think I am?"

The guy says. "I'd guess 31". On top of the world "Actually, I'm 70!" and she continues on.

She stops at a cafe and asks the barista, "How old do you think I am?"

The barista guesses, "I'd say 30." She beams and says, "Actually, I'm 70!"

Walking home through the park, she sees an old man on a bench and decides to test him, too. "Sir, how old do you think I am?"

The old man squinted. "My eyes are shot, but I have a 'special touch.' If you let me reach under your shirt for a minute, I can tell your exact age."

She's curious, so she lets him. After a solid minute of "investigating," the old man says, "You are exactly 70 years old."

She's floored. "That's incredible! How could you possibly tell?"

The old man smiles. "I was behind you in line at the cafe."
 

Good old days


It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."

Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
 

The Good Old Days



There was a little boy named Timmy whose grandpa came to visit. Grandpa said to Timmy "I'm so glad we get to spend some time together! Tell me, what would you like to do? We can do anything you want!"

Timmy replied, "To tell you the truth grandpa, my very favourite thing is to go to the store and get candy."

Grandpa replied "Candy? Why, back in the good old days I used to love to get candy! That was my favorite thing to do! Tell me Timmy, where do *you* go to get candy these days?"

Timmy replied "Well Grandpa, Mommy takes me to the Bulk Barn."

"The bulk barn? Why, back in the good all days, we didn't *have* Bulk Barn. We had the Five and Dime store, and you could get purt'near anything you could needed there, including all the candy you could want!"

Well, Timmy thought that sounded pretty good. Then Grandpa asked him "So tell me Timmy, how do you get to the bulk barn?"
"Well Grandpa, it takes about 10 minutes by car to get there."

"10 minutes by car? Why, back in the good old days we didn't *have* to get a ride. We could just walk ourselves right over to the five and dime. Or if we wanted to get there twice as fast we could take our bikes!" Well, Timmy thought that sounded pretty good too.

So they got in the car and started driving toward the Bulk Barn. Then Grandpa asked Timmy "Say tell me Timmy, how much do usually spend on candy at the Bulk Barn?"

"Well, Mommy usually gives me five dollars to spend."

"Five dollars?!?" Grandpa nearly drove off the road. "Five dollars?? Why, back in the good old days, we didn't *have* five dollars. Back in the good old days I could take a *single nickel* to the five and dime store, and I would come home with two chocolate bars, a bag of chips, three bottles of pop and a whole pocketful of gum!"

"Wow Grampa, is that because the five and dime store was so cheap?" asked Timmy.

"No" said Grandpa. "It's because back in the good old days they didn't *have* security cameras."
 
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts, and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Trump replies, "I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope slapped him.
 
army judge said:
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts, and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Trump replies, "I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope slapped him.
Click to expand...
Good one Judge...I posted it down the street! To good not to share! <3
 

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