100 Hilarious Jokes, Because No One Is Too Old to Laugh!

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.
 
adjusterjack said:
I don't think anybody can tell this joke better than Ronald Reagan.

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Ronald Reagan was a gifted speaker and that skill, honed from years of acting and radio broadcastung) contributed to his high popularity during his time in office. He had very good speech writers that knew Reagan well and what lines he could deliver very effectively. He used his abilities to try bridging the political gap between Republicans and Democrats which lead to a much higher level of political discourse in Washington than we are seeing today. Even those on Capitol Hill who opposed much of his policy personally liked Reagan. Thomas "Tip" O'Neill, the Democrat Speaker of House (and who held that post continously than any other speaker) often opposed Reagan's political agenda. But after Reagan was shot Tip was among the first to go and see him. They apparently got along on a personal basis just fine. We could do with more politicians like these who can argue politics but still are able to have friendly conversation with members of the opposing party.
 
A wife arrives home on husband's day off.

She asks, "Hey Hubby, have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?

He says, "erm.., I dunno", why ?

She gives him a sexy smile, shakes her cleavage and says "I wonder what's in there?"

Husband smiles, reaches in and pulls out a $20 crumpled note.

Wife asks, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

Husband says, "No I haven't", and starts to grin.

She gives him another sexy smile and pulls up her skirt.

He reaches into her tight panties and pulls out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and starts breathing heavily.

"Now," she says, "have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"50,000 ?! Where do I see that ? he asks, eyes wide open and heavily aroused.

She says, "Go look in the garage."
 
adjusterjack said:
A wife arrives home on husband's day off.

She asks, "Hey Hubby, have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?

He says, "erm.., I dunno", why ?

She gives him a sexy smile, shakes her cleavage and says "I wonder what's in there?"

Husband smiles, reaches in and pulls out a $20 crumpled note.

Wife asks, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

Husband says, "No I haven't", and starts to grin.

She gives him another sexy smile and pulls up her skirt.

He reaches into her tight panties and pulls out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and starts breathing heavily.

"Now," she says, "have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"50,000 ?! Where do I see that ? he asks, eyes wide open and heavily aroused.

She says, "Go look in the garage."
Click to expand...
knew what was coming and still find it funny! :D
 

A duck walks into a bar

He walks up to the bartender and asks

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No, and if you ask again, I'll nail your beak to the bar!"

"Got any nails?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"



A duck walks into a bar...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the Duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It 's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "you're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the Duck comes into the pub the barman says, "hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..

"What the heck would they want with a plasterer??
 
Bob meets a friendly stranger at a sky-high bar in Dubai who buys rounds of scotch and shows off by jumping out the south and west windows—only to get caught by the building's winds and lifted back up.

Impressed and drunk, Bob tries the east window himself and splats on the street below. The bartender sighs at the survivor: "Ya know, Superman, after a few drinks you can be a real asshole."
 
I pulled into a gas station and as I was walking in to pay, I noticed a police officer parked on the side of the building drinking coffee. He was watching this woman who was smoking while pumping gas. I saw her too and I was thinking this lady is CRAZY!!

But anyway, I went inside, and all of a sudden I heard commotion outside. When I turned around to look out the door and the woman's arm was on fire!!! She was swinging her arm & running around like crazy!!

I saw the officer put the lady on the ground and was pouring his coffee on the fire!!! Then, he cuffed her and threw her in the back of his car.

I asked him, "What did you arrest her for?"

"She was waving a firearm!"
 
This was too funny to pass up.

Cinderella is shipwrecked. She washes up on a barren, rocky island in the middle of the ocean.

There's nothing on the island, not trees or animals or even grass. Cinderella starts to cry. "Oh, what will I do?"

Then POOF! Her Fairy Godmother appears.

"Oh thank goodness!" Says Cinderella. "Fairy Godmother, I need your help again! Please get me off this desert island and back safely to land!"

"Oh, deary me!" Says the Fairy Godmother. "Unfortunately, my magic can only turn things into other things. I could make one of these rocks into a ship to sail you home, and some other rocks into sailors, but it would be a journey of many weeks, and they'd all turn back into rocks at the stroke of midnight and you'd drown! I think I will have to fly across the ocean myself and try to convince a ship to sail out to rescue you! But it will take days, or possibly weeks, and you might starve in the meantime. So here is what I will do. I will give you some of my magic."

Zippity zoop! The Fairy Godmother waves her wand at Cinderella.

"There. Now, all you need to do is point at something and say a type of food, and that thing will turn into that food and so you will be able to stay fed and healthy until I can return."

"Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!" Cinderella says. "Let me try it out right now!" She points at a nearby rock. "You are a roast turkey."

POOF! The rock turns into a perfectly cooked roast turkey, smelling delicious. Delighted, Cinderella points at a seashell. "You're a milkshake!"

POOF! The seashell turns into a milkshake.

"Oh wow!" Cinderella says, "This is wonderful. Thank you so much, Fairy Godmother, you're a lifesaver!"

POOF!
 

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