I have a question?pls help

[army judge]

While the police and CPS don't endorse pot use, it's rarely considered an issue...most of the time pot is seen as no worse than alcohol. For it to become an issue, it would have to be proven that not only are the drugs being taken around the child, but also that the child is being endangered by this.

In the courts that I am licensed to appear before, pot use isn't taken lightly. Nor, is the the use of pot ever equated with alcohol. Pot is illegal in the six states I am licensed, as well as before the federal bar and the military court of appeals. The use of pot and other illegal drugs is taken very seriously by the courts before which I practice! I also doubt that any police agency would refuse to investigate pot use before children. People get slapped very hard when arrested for DUI with children in the car! In Texas, CPS takes those kids away from parents that are stupid enough to do that!

 

[Proserpina]

I will defer to your experience, of course...

...but honestly, in family court? Pot is nowhere near as big an issue as it is in criminal and/or military cases.

I've known personally, several cases where pot-smoking parents (having been accused by the other parent) have retained custody despite the smoking. Even when CPS and the police have become involved.

Much depends on the nature of what's going on too, I suspect - if Mom is dealing, then that's an entirely different matter than if Dad is smoking a joint every now and then.

I still stand by my original post though - for the most part, family courts are so used to seeing "occasional pot use" that it's no longer a big issue in the vast majority of cases.

 

[army judge]

I will defer to your experience, of course...



I still stand by my original post though - for the most part, family courts are so used to seeing "occasional pot use" that it's no longer a big issue in the vast majority of cases.

Prosperina, thank you.
I meant no disrespect towards you.
But, in Texas courts, pot use before children is taken very seriously.
Heck, these days, parents are not permitted to smoke cigarettes in the presence of their children.
Texas has always dealt with all illegal drug usage very harshly in civil and criminal matters.
But, proving something is always harder than alleging it!

 

[Proserpina]

That's a VERY valid point - proving recent pot use can be nigh on impossible without at least showing that there's enough cause to order a hair follicle test! And that in itself becomes a circular argument...without proof, it's unlikely a court will order the test. And how do you obtain proof, without the testing?! Urgh.

I have seen, now that you've mentioned it, at least one case locally (I'm in WA) where custody was changed because the parent wouldn't stop smoking (regular cigarettes, oddly enough!) around the severely asthmatic child.

One does wonder though, why people have kids if they're not willing to make those little sacrifices. It's as if our (as a society) priorities have become so skewed that we're unwilling to "give it up" for the sake of the welfare of our children.

It's so sad - and sadder that we see it so often, you know?

 

[army judge]

That's a VERY valid point - proving recent pot use can be nigh on impossible without at least showing that there's enough cause to order a hair follicle test! And that in itself becomes a circular argument...without proof, it's unlikely a court will order the test. And how do you obtain proof, without the testing?! Urgh.

I have seen, now that you've mentioned it, at least one case locally (I'm in WA) where custody was changed because the parent wouldn't stop smoking (regular cigarettes, oddly enough!) around the severely asthmatic child.

One does wonder though, why people have kids if they're not willing to make those little sacrifices. It's as if our (as a society) priorities have become so skewed that we're unwilling to "give it up" for the sake of the welfare of our children.

It's so sad - and sadder that we see it so often, you know?

Too many have people have children for the wrong reasons.

Then some of those same people use those kids to hurt the other parent when they divorce.

I hold the belief that the custodial parent should bare the financial burden of their custody.

I know why that isn't the case, nevertheless, that is the belief I hold.

What's so sad is that some people never stop arguing.

Too many of those people should have never been married, but that wouldn't have stopped them from breeding, would it?

I also believe that no one with an IQ under 120 and an income under $100,000 should ever be allowed to have children.

That's why I'll never be King of the Universe!!!

 

[Proserpina]

A very wise lady still advises folk to "Love your kids more than you hate your ex".

I stand by her advice 110%!

 

[army judge]

A very wise lady still advises folk to "Love your kids more than you hate your ex".

I stand by her advice 110%!

Damn good advice!!!:yes::yes::yes:

 

[barbie77]

THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS! All this info. has been VERY helpful!! I'm sure as things progress I will have more questions as for now it's more of a waiting game to see what will happen next. All I can hope is everything in the end will work out for whats best for her. If that means mom gets her act together GREAT! if not then we will come to that bridge then. But thank you again for everything. Also Proserpina I know I'm not perfect and I would gladly take any advice you have on being a step mom. I think I'm doing a good job but nobody is ever too good to self improve. If it can make her life happier by learning how to be the best I can then I'm all for it!!

 

[Proserpina]

Being a stepmom is the hardest job I've ever had

Another very wise woman reminded me that as a step-parent, your role is to "love them, cherish them, and know when to keep your mouth shut". Basically saying that though you're a parental figure of sorts, you're not the parent, and need to leave the parenting to Mom & Dad.

This is much easier said than done...and it becomes even more difficult when there is animosity between the two parents. It's during these situations that it becomes even more important for the step-parent to know when to stay in the background and keep out of it. Even when Mom (as an example) is being a complete hound to Dad, and is about to claim the title of Worst Co-parent Of The Year, and your instinct is to get right up there and fight on behalf of Dad...you can't. You just can't. It's very difficult to have to silence that urge, but you really have to just - basically - put up and shut up.

It's also critical that the step-parent never criticizes the other parent - ever. Not even a whispered curse (and trust me, we've all been there, too ). While it's really the parent's job to facilitate the relationship between the child and the other parent, the reality is that when there's bitterness and anger, the step-parent is often the one reminding Dad (in your case for example) , and the child, that Mom loves kiddo no matter what, and just because she and Dad might be angry with each other, BOTH parents only want what's best for the child.

If you can do that with a genuine smile on your face, you're doing a grand job!

(heck, you can get t-shirts made up with "Team Kid" on 'em - for ALL of you. It's a simple gesture, but it reinforces the idea that this isn't about who's on Mom's or Dad's side, and that it's not about "fighting"...but that all of you are on kiddo's side and just want what's best. Presenting one to Mom is also one heck of an olive branch, showing that Dad just wants to work WITH her, not against her)

(I'm rambling again, aren't I?)

 

[barbie77]

no it all makes perfect sense! I'd say I've mastered or at least got down pretty good the stay out of the parenting way. I don't disagree with dad at all. She asks me something I say ask dad. when it comes to something she shouldn't have done when dads not around (say write on the walls) I tell her no of course but say I will have to tell dad what you did. From there dad takes care of all of it all. I pretty much don't do anything without dad being right there or asking him. I understand she's not mine in any way. I help with caring for her but dad is the main man! As far as the relationship with mom, I do get upset (not infront of little one) when I hear what mom did to or infront of kiddo. Which it's really hard not to because I do care a lot for her. I've been in her life now for well over half of it so I'm very attached. As far as when her mom leaves her with us for weeks apon weeks and she asks when she's going to get to see her mommy sometimes inside I want to bash the crap out of her for not seeing or talking to her kid but I tell her mommy is busy she loves you and she will get you as soon as she can. I've really been doing my best and from what you've said I think I'm doing pretty good.

I did have another big question with being a step mom. She has been starting to call me mommy. Ever since daddy and I got married she wont stop and when daddy tells her I'm not mommy I'm step mommy and that she should only call her mommy that she starts really crying and still insists on calling me mommy. She says that Im her step mommy so she wants to call me mommy. Which yes she's only 5 (VERY smart 5yr old) and shouldn't control this topic. I'm not sure if it's a bad thing for a step child to call the step mom mommy. Dad hasn't heard anything from her mother about not likeing it. We are having a baby this year and dad has already started reffering to me as a mom and reffers to me as our dogs mommy too. did we bring this on ourselves? Why do you think she would insist on calling me mommy when she already has one?

 

[Proserpina]

There are many alternatives to Mommy...Mum, Muma, MamaYourName...but realistically it really depends on whether Mom is ok with it or not. If Mom's fine with it - then there's no problem.

When I first met my husband's grandkids, the eldest boy instantly called me Gamma (which was his late wife's name and, oddly enough, I'm about the same height and shape) - DH's daughter simply corrected him gently, continuously, until he got the message. Now I'm Mamu, Gamma's name is still hers, and thus still honoured and he recognizes the difference.

Win-win!

Gentle correction works. But again, if Mom doesn't have a problem with it, the courts are unlikely to have a problem with it as long as you're not actually presenting yourself as her Mother, y'know?

 

[barbie77]

Thanks you! Sounds good! I don't think mom has a problem with it. She's called me it infront of her and she's never corrected her or seemed to care at all. I think as she gets older or if mom has a problem with it she will revert to my name then mommy which is what she started with. I guess so long as everyones ok with it then i feel good about it too. My baby will call me mommy my dogs know me as mommy so if she wants to call me mommy or my first name and then mommy i guess that works. She sees me as a mommy so in her mind it must make sense. She understands that I'm not her mommy nor am I trying to be her mommy. She says I'm her second mommy. It's cute.